This and that

My fingers hurt to type, so I;m just using my index fingers...bear with this post :) Again, I want to thank you all whoprayed for me on Sunday evening. I felt great after the Healers were here. I feel at peace and ready to take on this new treatment. I'm so thankful for you all who support me and pray for me.

I have some cute pics from the last couple of weeks.

Asa and Josh playing with a mini foos ball table. He spent $10. of his birthday money on it and said that "I made a good decision on this toy Mum..daddy and I can both play it and I still have $210.00 left for later". The face on Asa just makes me smile.
speaks for itself

How I love this baby girl of ours. The pumpkin in the backround is one from our garden. Asa moves it from place to place. He is proud of it.

Asa on his first day of Hebrew school last week.

"bye mum, see ya when I get back!"

What happened to my baby boy? I want to remember EVERYTHING he and Vali have ever said or done. They grow up too fast and I feel that I missed all summer on keeping up with Asa and Vali.

Flu on Wednesday. He threw up 5 times on Wednesday and couldnt' keep down anyti=hing. Even popsicles. He won't eat them now. He shudders. Poor thing..

Asa a nd Papa picking the 10 apples on our tree that Papa planted in May. It is such a little tree but pruduced lots of apples. We counted 35 in August, but some fell off or had worms, but the ones he picked are perfect. I loved watching them together. Joshua got some great pictures AND he videotaped at the same time.

Fall is here

We had nice weather the last couple of week...no rain, but chilly. Now the rain is here for at least 2 weeks. Ug. That is putting a damper on my bi-polar. I'm crying one minute and feeling OK the next. I told mom today that I haven't felt "happy" in a long time. I'm either OK, or not. The kids make me laugh and I feel content at times, but not happy. I wish that I could be doctor/treatment free for a few weeks or a month so we could go somewhere for a weekend. I think our whole family needs it. It's been intense for all of us. Asa has really been grasping on to his umm umm lately, so I guess we are all a bit anxious and ready for some fun. Friday we will know more after we talk to the oncologist and see what the next course of action. I'm tired of fighting, but this cancer isn't gone yet and I have to get rid of it, I'm just so tired and hoping that my body and emotional state can handle it. Just some side effect that could be too hard on me to keep the same treatment.

My nails are lifting from my cuticles and I may lose some of them, toe nails and fingernails both.
I have sores in my mouth that hurt.
My feet look like dinosaur feet, scaley, red and skin is peeling off. I look like a molting snake.
I have brown spots all over face.
I shake constantly and can keep it under control by taking yet another medication that give me a whole new set of side effects.....but you have see what is worse, and shaking is worse.
My feet are numb from the ankles down and they feels like they are in ice buckets.
I ache all over my body and the pain sucks from the chemotherapy.
My skin is very sensitive, it actually hurts to put lotion on my body and my face. I have to use my fingertips. It feels like a sunburn all over my body.
I sweat off and on at all times.
Constipation/diarrhea- depends and it sucks whichever because either way, it's painful.
Nausea nausea nausea go away
I thought that losing my hair would be horrible and the worse thing possible before I lost it. It's the least of my problems.

I know that many of you have or are going through these same things, and my heart goes out to you. If you are family of a cancer patient, my heart goes out to you as well. I can't even try to understand how my family copes with this but I'm grateful that we have our heavenly God. I sing praises to him and have complete faith and believe, but we have our down times and have to leave it with God for a while and then pray constantly and thank Him for our miracles too. I don't want to complain, I'm grateful, but it's still cancer and still chemotherapy and nothing about it is good. NOTHING, it's horrible.

I love and appreciate all of my blogger family and continue to thank you for your prayers, donations, good thoughts and energy sent my way and your love and time.

Asa started his first day of Hebrew School this evening. Joshua went with him. Asa was happy to be going and meeting new friends and just plain learning something different. I cried as they drove off. This is his only school he has been to. Hebrew school is one night a week and he will be learing about the new testament and learning to speak Hebrew. I can't wait to hear about is time there.

Here are some pictures from the week. They make me smile :)


Asa got enough birthday money from so many generous friends and relative that is is able to start up his own savings account. he bought this soccer foos ball table and told me that "he had made a good decision on the game and that we could all play it together and he would still have over $110." I agreed.

Josh said that this picture made his day. just hangin' in front of the woodstove and very cozy.

my pride and joy. I love her so much. This is a great smile. Eating ice cream

eating ICE CREAM, sissy style and size. LOL

we still have some fun times and tire ourselves out. I love my family and my sister is so wonderful and amazing. She takes care for Asa and both the kids and is great with them. I appreciate you Sissy and thank you for all that you do for me. I love you so much and will know and love you for the rest of my life.

I love my God and my family.

Just a couple of days

Just some pictures and comments from the past few days. I'm the best I've been in over a week and plan on getting some fun shopping done, Big Lots!

The night before Asa's birthday, me doubled up with nausea and having a 5 year old "help" decorating the most difficult cake I've ever tried to attempt. We colored the chocolate frosting black to resemble a soccer ball. Asa had to sample. The cake was so ugly and bad, I ordered from a bakery the next morning. Thank you Sissy and Mom for all your help that day. Taking care of everything while I slept until the party started. I apprecate you so much.

The best picture of Asa's 5 party. This is so him. He loves chocolate so much and doesn't get it too horribly much, but it always ends up around his lips...... ALWAYS!

At chemo a couple of weeks ago. Josh enjoys documenting and taking pictures. We laugh when the camera comes out. This is Mom's "best" side.

My best side. YUCK! I'm wearing down really quickly.... I'm so tired and just tired of feeling like I am chemotherapy constantly every minute of every day. This was a really bad day.

Asa's pumpkin he grew in his garden. He is very proud.

Yesterday at Shari's before treatment. I never want to go and everything there is gross. But when Asa realizes it's treatment day, he is up so fast to get ready it just melts my heart. He does the picture search on his placemat EVERY MONDAY and pretends he can't find the pictures. He has been doing this same puzzle since June :) This picture is funny because it looks like all the other's Shari's pictures

I wrote the following before the above pictures and post.

I have had a hell of a 2 weeks. I want to keep this from being a cancer post, but..... can't. I am feeling so much better after treatment, and am so thankful. I have decided to cut my chemo down by another 10% as I didn't think I'd be able to physcially or mentally complete it with the higher dose. The last 2 weeks have been horrible.

I appreciate all of you and think of you all praying and thinking of me. I REMEMBER THIS THROUGHOUT MY DAY! Thank you and I am thinking of you all.

What a Wonderful Day!

Yesterday was chemo and I felt great afterward..it took over 5 hours, labs took long and chemo took longer than usual, so it was an all day deal. Sissy went with me and I enjoyed our time together. She was a great substitute for mom. Mom got sick, probably from Asa being sick the last 3 days. He had a fever of about 100 degrees steady for 3 days. Josh kept us apart. "Asa you sit here, Trina, you sit here". If we would get arms length, we were in trouble. It was very hard to stay away from my baby when he was sick, but I had to. Josh told me I wouldn't be much good laying in the hospital not able to see Asa at ALL if that happened. Oh, to listen to reason. Today we have had a great day, Asa is well and I'm well. I did laundry, cleaned up a bit, went grocery shopping (first time in 2 weeks) and I'm even making taco salad and greek pasta salad for dinner. No pills for me today either.

I'm so thankful to God you guys. I can't even explain how wonderful I am doing. Last week was rough, but the nausea was kept at bay. My inlaws were here for 10 days (in a hotel) but spent a lot of time with Asa which was nice. I still felt I needed to "entertain" ie. stay up on the couch, not lay in bed so much, so my body was exhausted. we'll see how I feel tomorrow, but just so PLEASED that today was my best day since starting chemo. It's the first full day I've watched Asa since chemo. I even took care of paperwork and bills. what a wonderful day :) I had to share with all of you that care and love me. It's pretty exciting.

Mom in law, Asa and I were eating lunch last week. Asa was yawning and yawning, then he snapped at me and got kind of grumpy. A couple of minutes later I said "I think somebody is tired". He continued eating and said "are you tired Mum?" no I said. "Is grandma tired?" no she said. He threw his hands on his chest and said "well, I'M not tired....so who you talking about?" It was pretty cute. He has been saying the funniest things lately and just growing up so fast. His personality is changing and he has been quite the jokester. It just started to rain just now and Asa stopped what he was doing. "Mum, it's raining! We have to pull in my soccer goal from the yard and make sure we pick the vegetables that are ripe before they get too full of water! Hurry!" I was running out of the house, going to do what he said and he said just a minute I have to put my flip flops on. I was in the middle of telling him to put his tennis shoes on, since the grass was wet...he was gone, so I let it go, figuring his feel will get wet. I try not to sweat the small stuff even though I'm a bit OCD. I was outside and here he comes, just underwear and his rain boots. He was in SAVE THE VEGETABLES mode and looked like he was running into a burning building to save kittens or something. I love being a mom and I love the little things that make me smile. I wish I could remember all of them, but there are so many new ones.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support and love. I feel it around me all the time and I haven't been reading blogs as much. I don't normally have energy to check email or get on line, every4 or 5 days or so....and when I have energy I spend time with the family or sit outside on my kick ass hammock. I do ask Sissy and Mom for updates on many of you and she keeps me updated. I care for all of you and appreciate all that you do for me. Thank you :)

Mom's been doing more blogging so you can check her out http://beyasblog.blogspot.com/

Shake N Bake!

Tuesday is a good day

Again, forgive the spelling. My hands tremble and my speeling is horrible, but I'm trying here peeps. I had my 3rd cycle of round 2 of chemo yesterday. I went in feeling pretty shitty, nauseated and pained, but afteward, I felt much better and came home. I didn't even nap, I stayed up until around 10, Asa went to bed late watching Storm Trackers with Josh and I ate an ate. I had kept NOTHING down on Sunday and was so hungry. I felt like I was binge eating. Josh would check on my in the bedroom and I was eating something different every time. Delicious. I have Monday off, and the last time I had a week off I felt horrible. Dr told me that if I'm feeling REALLY bad, I can go in for some fluid IV with a dash of steroid and anti nausea to get me though the week. That made me so appy. This weekend is my favorite holiday. Oregon Brewfest. I won't be agle to bo, and I'm dissap0inted. This makes me sad, and I don't know why. Oh well....maybe next year.

Asa and I hangin watching the boob tube.
Me. ready to hit the road on some errands. Errands now consist of pharmacy and lunch. By the time I'm done, I have to sleep for 2 hours to recover.

My wig that the boys picked out. they love it when I try it on. I don't. I don't think I'lle ver wear it. Josh LOVES it though, you should see hus face when he sees me wearing it. I suprise him sometimes. That's it, it comes right off. It is cute, but needs the bangs trimmed a bit.

Shari's 2 weeks ago. I'm really sick of shari's. The lats time we went I had cottage cheese and that almost came up. Asa just lookeds forward to chemo day because we go go shari's and he gets cheese sticks and french fries at 8am.

At treatment. Mom keeping track of my drugs and times in my journal (thanks mandy).

Eating a nutri grain bar. I'm always hungry. I have lost 12 lbs since starting chemo. I don't know how, It seems like I eat all the time.

Asa NEVER colors. He skips over the coloring parts in puzzle and school books. One afternoon, jOsh showed this to me. Asa had done it on his own. I thought josh had helped and josh thought that Ihad helped. I asked Asa, how did ou fiture outohow to do that colors? he showed me the graphon the top and said, see? the number shows the color? I' very proud of him.

asa was dancing on the 4th of july

Cant' tell if this is a "love you tt" shot or a "NOOOOOO" shot.

Asa was sitting on the ghetto garbage we had in the back yard

and then is busted on him

Sissy and I comparing pedicures. I won.

the girls just hanging watching the kiddos doing the little firecrackers

Mi papa :)

I feel bad that i can't post very often. I think of all of you and have Sissy keep me updated on your blogging to see how all ofyou are. I can feel all the love and the prayers so close to me. They are an inspiration to me. I'm hanging in there, having good and bad moments, but life is gettin to have a schedule agagin and I am trying ot to let this cancer dictate my entire life. It is hard, but i still have bills to pay and calls to make and decisions to decide upon. I feel stronger mentally and spriritually every day. Physically I feel weak. I HATE FEELIN WEAK in body. Pray that I am strong. I' callin in today for my tumor marker. I hope its LOW!

Love you all

SHAKE N BAKE!

whew

I'm very tired, but wanted to update on some pictures from the lats couple of weeks. Excuse the spelling, I'm very tired. These pictures are backwards, so these first ones are more current then the following ones.

I'm doig well. I have miracles to report. My tumor marker is down from 805 to 625, I do not have the mutated gene and my insurance company is paying for my anti nausea patches that are SO expensive. THANK YOU GOD! I am tons better than last week. Last week was pure hell and I was not well. I was angry and crying. The nausea and paid were terrible. Mom and I have gotten me on a pretty good cocktail going on, so we are going to stay with it for a while.

Asa fell asleep with me and had his cute little hand on my back. Mom got the photo op.

Asa watering the garden. He is so helpful and I love him so much.

My worse day so far, last Tuesday. It was hell.

Trying to stay strong. It was a rough one. Thanks for the kick ass head wear Gmom. I love them.

whoops, didn't fix the picture. 2 Sundays ago, Asa and Josh went to a Timbers game again. I cried that I couldnt' go, but they had fun anyway. Asa had gotten a free ticket, along with a PGE Park tour. I love my boys.

If I'm not up eating or sitting up, I'm usually in bed. Chemo sucks so bad.

The day Papa, Joshua and Asa shaved my head...2 weeks ago maybe? It felt great to get all that gross hair off my head.

Mullet shot for Holly. SO SICK!

GORGEOUS!

He's getting so big. He is so brave. He understands that I need my rest and is being so brave. I am missing out on so many things with him, but I have to be brave too. I was ablet to go to his soccer game tonight. He scored a goal. I'm so thankful to God for letting me live the live I'm able to live thus far. It's hard, but going OK. I need my family so much, they are so helpful, I coudn't do it with out them.

My 4 wheeled walker...on the showroom floor :)Pretty snazzy.

2nd week of chemo. This is 4 weeks old already. whoops.I'm behind.

Our Monday's at Shari's before chemo.

Asa looks forward to it, it's our little time alone and I can get prepared for chemo.

Thank you for your prayers and support . I love you all so much and appreciate you so much. A special thank you to Kim H. THANK YOU FOR THE COOL T's! They are so perfect and i love them. You are so sweet for thinking of the 3 of us. Continue to pray for me and my family. It is hard on all of us and my family works so hard with Asa and taking care of our household. it really takes so many. Thank you Grama for watching the children. It is such a help and you are such a blessing. Thank you to my friends and family that bring food and goodies. (and presents for Asa, Carol). It helps so much and we are so appreciative.

I'm tired, and shouldn't be on this thing, but I wanted to touch bases with all of you. I care for you all so much and thank you for caring for us.

I'm so thankful for all of you.

The last 2 weeks have gone by so fast. I try to get in as many things on a good 2 days, and then I'm on the lam for the next 5.

I have so much to report, but I've been up way too late with my boys tonight. We had a great night together and Asa stayed awake until he feel asleep in my arms in the couch. Asa said that he was proud of me. I asked him why? he answered "you haven't been grumpy once since you started chemo, I'm proud of you, you are doing a great job". I have such a sweet son and an even greater husband. My mom in a rock and she is such a great care taker. Sissy consistently amazes me a my child's care giver/mom/Sissy. She does it every day, no complaining and happy to do it. I WOULD watch both the children if I had to, but I don't ever want to. I could never compare and she is great with them. She is a true talent when taking care of our children. They love her so much. I appreciate you sissy. I love you so much. My poor mother has gone to every appointment with me and helped me, held my hand while walking, getting my walker out so I can shop (on Tuesdays) and cares for me day and night. Even on her nights off (when josh is home with me) she still comes over, picks up Asa so I can sleep more in the mornings and just continues on. Never complaining. I have the best family and am blessed to have them. I thank God for them many times a day. Even though this mother fucking cancer has a brief hold on us for the time being, it's bringing us even closer and stronger as a unit. We all need each other.

I have so many stories and update of appointments and pictures to post, but I wanted to give you an insight as to my emotion at the moment. I'm OK, I'm fighting like Cotto, I'm done with 3 rounds of chemo. I have Monday off, Josh and I are talking about taking Asa to the Seattle Aquarium if I'm feeling up to it. Not sure yet.

You have all been on my mind and have felt bad not posting in such a long while. I will get my butt in gear tomorrow with updates galore and a few new pics. Love you all and pray that I get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow night the pain starts up in the spine from the chemo and the next 3 days are the hardest. I'm prepared for it now, and ready to fight it until it's DEAD! I am stronger than this monster. Oh, my hair is falling out. We were supposed to shave it tonight, but mom forgot the clippers, so tomorrow it will be. I will feel empowered and sad at the same time, but it's showing that the chemo is working. Asa told me last night "Mum, it's time to shave your head, your hair is getting to be a nuisance".

I have gotten so many beautiful gifts in the mail along with greeting cards and I'm sorry I've been slow on my thank yous. I am looking forward to writing to you all personally tomorrow. Thank you so much for your love. I feel it in every card and gift and email that I get.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers and support. I'll talk to you tomorrow again.

Tired, yet again.

I had a much better day yesterday than one week ago. Medication changes have helped me sleep and relieve the pain.

Cancer has metastasized into my vertebrae which was a shock to me. Dr. called us Friday evening to let us know the results of the MRI done early in the afternoon. We saw him Monday and we are staying on course with the same chemo and I'm feeling hopeful. Scared, but hopeful. I'm calling the office today to see when my brain scan and additional bone scan will be done this week.

I'm exhausted. I had a great day yesterday, but didn't rest enough. I have slept 4 hours and I'm drained. I'm already tired of having cancer and to know that it's moving around is sickening to me.

I had a great friend some over and she was so sweet to bring our family food for dinner. We visited (maybe too long Carol...I was tired when you left, but you always make me laugh) I didn't want you to go. I love my visitors so come on over! I can't wait to see you again. I love my gift and haven't' taken it off. It's on like glue and I think of you when I see it.

Nichole Rae.....you commented on my blog but I have no idea how to get a hold of you. I cried and cried when I read it. I think of you everyday....EVERYDAY and need to talk to you so badly. I miss you and love you. You can email me at trina dot gonzalez at hotmail dot com. I have so much to say to you and just want you to know that you mean so much to me. I have missed you for a very long time. What is your email?

My head is aching and I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep. I just got up and read every pathology report of mine since the beginning of this hell. I realized last night I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I will never know if it's completely gone, or when it will be back. I don't feel much like a fighter right at the moment. I'm living with cancer...that's what Mom says breast cancer is stated now a days. I don't want to live with cancer. I want to live without it.

Sig is having a node removed today so keep her in your prayers. She has been a big help to us and our family during this trip to hell. She's been on the road there too.

I got a wig. It's OK for a wig. I feel like a movie star in it with my Kate Spade sunglasses. I will look incognito going in for treatments. Like a movie star. (I'm losing it peeps, having delusions) My boys LOVE it and are not so scared for me to lose my hair, since they like the wig better than my NEW haircut. Stinkers. Asa keeps reminding me not to forget to cut my hair so it doesn't make a mess when it starts falling out. He hears EVERYTHING! Except when he's watching soccer and he can't hear me when I'm talking to him in his face. He answers back to me "words words words....stop talking....I can't hear my TV show!". I'm not sure if he's turning 5 in September of 15.

He has loved me being home, even if I am sick and in bed. He likes it when we are together. He hasn't liked all the appointments and tests that take me away from home. He has been great and very patient with me. He mainly talks to me about cancer when we are getting ready for bed. Then he brings up questions he must have after listening to our family talk. We always invite into the conversation so he knows that he can talk about it with us. When he has a questions that makes him feel uneasy, he asks if he can whisper in my ear. If the answer takes too long or it bores him he replies "poopy diaper pants" and leaves me immediately. He either got the idea, or he'll ask again later.

Mandy...thank you thank you. You are such a dear friend. I love them both, especially my journal. It is my medication, chemo and side effect record book. I needed one. and it's gorgeous. I'm mail you something soon. Love you :)

I'm feeling queasy today and very unstable mental wise. Lack of sleep. Head ache, but no back pain. One side effect of one of the chemo's is feet and hand numbness. It comes and goes. It literally feels like feet have been sitting in an ice water bath for hours. Soft sock help (thanks Sig) but then the sweats kick in soon after. I'm a complainer today...I'm giving me a day of feeling sorry for myself. I deserve it. Tomorrow is another day.

I have genetic testing today, to test for the "mutated" gene that causes cancer. We'll see what comes of that. Kind of late now...I've had cancer twice in my life before age 40. I'm saying it's positive.

Grama is having the children today and if I feel well enough after genetic testing, Sissy will meet mom and I for lunch. Thank you Grama for helping with the kids. I love you.

Many of you have asked what you can do or send to me. I have a REQUEST! My bible is getting more and more full of scriptures, but I have NO BOOKMARKS! I mentioned it to mom and she said that there are a lot of you that would probably like to do that for me. No pressure, just something small that I need and I would love some from my cyber family. It would also remind me of your constant thoughts and prayers for me. I keep all cards that I have gotten from so many of you with me at my bed side table. I just shake my head and smile when I look at the piles. I am blessed....but still feeling sorry for myself today :) I also love travel/tourist magazines (free ones in touristy towns) I could look at those for hours as they are an easy read and I dream of traveling all over the US SOMEDAY. DREAM. Those books help me along in my dream. So many of you don't live near me and I think it would be cool to see where some of you like to vacation and travel too. Thank you all.

Disneyland seems so far away. I have 17 more treatments to go. Less God willing. I need to magazine travel until that time :) I barely have energy to to to treatment and the store for 45 minutes...and not on the same day. Too MUCH.

I have some more pictures to post...just not much energy (have I mentioned I don't have much energy?) I have some chemo induced photos of my hot self. I'm sure you won't want to miss those.

I love you guys and love your prayers and tomorrow is another day. If some of you comment, let me know of a miracle you have had today. I am so blessed and do feel my miracles, but this whole vertebrae stuff has me in the dumps. I need some stories peeps. Positive ones.

I'm tired. I'm going to try to get another hour of sleep. This has helped my fear somewhat, so thank you for that.

Good luck Sig.....Cheers to the strong, the bald and the port-full. Eat up that cheeseburger girl.

Chemo Day in Pictures...and Miracles!

I've been trying to get this post up since yesterday. I'm going to make it quick. I'm feeling pretty good, THANK GOD! Thank you for your prayers. I have very little nausea, as long as I take my anti nausea medication. My pain in my back and headaches are pretty severe, and the narcotics just make me sick to my stomach, so that has been a drag. Dr. is giving me some better pain meds. Mom is on her way to pick them up for me as we speak and hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. I'm doing much better than I anticipated and that is a miracle. I'm so TIRED! But I can deal with that. No VOMITING! YEAH! I should be feeling a bit better by tomorrow and will hopefully have a pain free weekend and then we start over on Monday. Here are some pics from Monday.


Monday morning we were ready early and our little family of 3 went to Shari's for breakfast. It's only 1 block a away. As I as getting nervous for chemo, Joshua kept showing this picture of Asa to me to make me smile.

Me waiting for my port to get flushed and all ready for chemo.

Mom teased that this was my "vomit" bin.

My fresh toes. They make me smile. I hadn't had a pedicure in probably a year.

my port getting prepped. Josh was taking tons of pictures.

They rubbed this really stinky antibiotic all over my neck before accessing my port. It was so strong I was coughing.

My port is accessed and we are at the doctors office waiting to see my oncologist.

My oncologist.

OK, it's about to happen. Ready for my pre meds.

chillin'

view from my corner office....the window is nice too :)

I just love my husband.

6 hours later...no joke.

The Benedryl made me so tired.

Looking a little bit haggard. Almost done, and I was snacking on snacks that Sissy had packed along. Thank you Sissy. I love you.

THANKS GMOM! I got my package today and I'm so excited! Thank you, they are perfect and beautiful. You are an angel.

Love you all and continue to pray that I will be able to sleep tonight. Last night was really rough. I'm doing great though and it's a miracle.

Oh boy....

Tomorrow I start my chemotherapy. I'm anxious, scared, nervous and relieved all at the same time. I will finally know how my body will react to the "poison". It is a horrible unknown. Actually, I remember it vividly how it was 16 years ago, but have hope that it will be better this time around.

I had my lumpectomy on Monday. It went good. It was a rough recovery, nearly 3 hours in post-op, but Joshua was there to make me laugh. The nurse asked him "are you always this patient?" Josh answered "no, but for her I am". The pre-op nurse was the same one that I had for my D & C and she remembered me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She was so sympathetic towards me and was a real blessing to me both days. As I was waking up from the surgery, I vaguely heard the OR nurse telling me how I had a beautiful purple tube top on with purple flowers and how I looked hot. I am confined to wearing a tube top for the next 2 weeks. A sports bra would go right over the incision so I get to look "hot" in my purple tube top. I am recovering nicely. Friday I had my post op appointment with a nurse and she was amazed at how well my incision looked. No swelling and no bruising. It is a miracle.

We have been couch potato's all weekend and have watched more soccer than should ever be allowed. Asa and I have had very heated debates on our teams and he has become a trash talker. He apparently learned this from Sissy. Today I did get off the couch and Sissy picked me up and we went and had a pedicure. I can't remember the last time I had a pedicure. It was kick ass. Then we went next door to Baskin Robbins and had ice cream. I'm not an ice cream lover, but I enjoyed my Rocky Road very much.

I haven't cried in 24 hours. I feel like today is the end of something. Tomorrow I start my chemo and my life will be changed forever. I am very mellow and feel like I am a boxer, having the fight of my life tomorrow. I have to be focused and prepared. I'm sick to my stomach and very afraid. I know that God will not forsake me and has not forsaken me, but this battle seems very much on my shoulders and my shoulders only. Tomorrow will be a struggle for me, but I am ready for it.

I am taking all of the greeting cards that have been sent to me, and bringing them with me to treatment tomorrow. They all make me smile and I will need that tomorrow.

I can't help but think of my unborn child tomorrow. If it wasn't for this chemotherapy, I would still be pregnant. I miss my baby so much and still have moments where I think I'm still pregnant. I think of it many times a day and tomorrow it will be a constant. I pray that someday a miracle will happen where both Sissy and I can be pregnant someday. And I hope.

Another miracle...I sent out another 10 thank you cards today :) Thank you all for your prayers and support. I love you all.

Soccer fun

My pictures got all messed up and out of order and I don't know how to fix them, so I'm just winging it and you are going to get out of order pictures.

Last Sunday, we were able to take Asa to his first soccer game in Portland. It's a USL (united soccer league) team, called the Portland Timbers. They will be a MSL (major league soccer) in 2 years. We are very excited about that. An Angel from L.A. gave us the opportunity to go, and we had a great time! Josh and I talked about it in bed later and said that it was the best family fun we have every had together. We didn't have any worries, the weather was in the 80's and one of our favorite teams, Club America was playing the Timbers. Asa wore his Club America uniform and looked adorable. Asa was a bit nervous for about 10 minutes. It was loud, hot and noisy. Once the first goal was scored, he was standing and clapping and didn't' take his eyes off the game, until he got a snow cone in the 2nd half. After he finished that, he resumed watching the game. It was a treat and we LOVED IT!

Asa eating cotton candy. I tried so many times to get a good picture of him, but I never could. I gave the camera to Josh to have him get a better picture.....


...nope, he didn't get a good picture either. He shoveled cotton candy in his mouth like a real trooper.

Me, sportin' my new haircut. I love it...they boys do not. The place looks empty, but we were there 45 minutes early and once the game started it was PACKED!

Club America practicing.

I was walking back from the restroom and thought this was so cute of the boys from behind.

I love these 2 so much. They make me laugh constantly.

Go TIMBERS! Or CLUB AMERICA!

Asa and I planting after we got some plants at a plant sale. Asa planted them and watered them. I am proud of him. He has watered them every night (that it hasn't rained) and really taken care of them. We love our little garden. It makes me very happy.

LOL, Valentina.....angry. Beya took this picture and she wanted Beya to hold her, but Beya was too tired, so Valentina put on a show. Beya ended up holding her. I like to have Vali happy, but she is so funny when she gets so mad. She just changes from her sweet adorable self to something very scary. Notice the tan lines in the inside of her elbows. She has such a pretty color and getting so tanned. My dad jokes that the warm wind just has to blow to get her brown.

Josh and Asa FINALLY relaxing in the hammock. It takes some skill and a bit of practice (right Holly?) to get into my hammock. I have it down pat. I throw tons of pillows on it and it is heaven.

This is them trying to get in it...together. Asa said "that was a near wipeout Mum"!

LOL

getting off the hammock takes practice too.

Asa was just looking at one of his magazines in his room and I was doing some cleaning up in his room. He asked me what "inspiration" meant. I thought for a minute. I said "you know, when you see an airplane and you want to run inside and draw one? or when you see a soccer player score a goal and you want to score a goal too? Those things inspire you". He walked over to me with his Puzzle Buzz magazine, held up a picture of frosted donuts and said "these donuts are inspiring me to eat some donuts".

I'm going to watch a video with my husband and hopefully stay awake longer than 15 minutes. It's the same movie we attempted to watch last night...but I fell asleep...15 minutes into it. At this rate it's going to take me all week to finish it.

Shake N BAKE!

TGIF!

It's been a good week. I've felt good and the weather has been GREAT! It helps to be outside.

I found out yesterday that I have breast cancer for the 2nd time. The metastasized liver cancer is from a NEW cancer in my breast. I was cured from my last cancer 16 years ago, and this is NEW! Josh said it's like getting hit by lighting twice. My oncologist seemed please that it all makes sense now and says that I'm very unique. A different breast cancer twice in my lifetime. And I was/am so young to have breast cancer. I am having a lumpectomy on Monday morning, that will give me all week to recover and start chemotherapy on June 8.

I have had so many miracles happen for me in the last week. I sat down 2 nights ago and sent out numerous thank you cards. Each and every one was for a miracle. To all that donated their talents and gifts to the "1 in 8" cause, I thank you so much. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you for caring and your support.

Josh was talking about a girl at his work that is always cursing. He was saying "she always drops the F-bomb and the S-bomb" Asa was listening, and said "and then she drops a torpedo?".

When ever I leave for a doctors appointment, Asa kisses me and tells me "hope you feel better Mum!". Right now I am scared for chemo, but want to know how it's going to affect me. However, I'm worried the most about Asa. How is he going to react to me with no hair. I probably shouldn't worry about it, but it is worry some to me.

I'm short on words today, I want to get outside and enjoy my day, so I'm cutting this short. Thank you everyone for your prayers, emails, support and love :)

Shake N BAKE!!!!!!!

Some "family members" got together and sent me this GORGEOUS hammock. It was a huge surprise. They wanted me to have a peaceful place to lay this summer while in treatment. I'm so amazed at the love and thought. Thank you girls!

Asa and I in my new haircut. I cut it shorter, so it will be less of a mess when it starts falling out.

Last weekend sometime. We call this a Mexi-ghetto slip and slide. The kids loved it. My dad filled it with warm water and they would slip and fall and giggle and giggle. Valentina was much more daring than Asa. She is fearless. She fills out a swimsuit so CUTE!

They started with a bucket of water, and then Asa slowly started spilling the water for the slip and slide.

Joshua and I, pre haircut.

Unreal!

I wish I could personally thank EVERYONE who has donated, prayed and spent time working on the raffle. It was a HUGE success and I'm shocked. It is a miracle. Thank you to all my friends. I can't believe the support that I haven't gotten from "friends" that I have never met or talked to. It's a miracle and I'm so happy. Life is really good :)

I also had another miracle happen last night. Joshua has been wanting to work days at his full time job for quite some time now and has asked on numerous occasions and there has never been a position open. Late last night, his boss called and offered him day shift. Joshua will not be a supervisor at his new position, and he won't get his boss pay but I think he will be able to work his way up like he did on night shift. HE'S GOING TO BE WITH ME IN THE EVENINGS AND THROUGH THE NIGHT! YEA! I can't believe that either. He works days at his part time job so the sleep transition won't be an issue anymore either! YEA! What a great night last night! I am so blessed! And I even have CANCER!

I only cried a couple of times yesterday. Pretty good for me. I cried after my surgeon called me and told me I had a new breast cancer. That was the result of the biopsy from Friday. I pretty much thought that, but it's harder to hear it's true. My surgeon also assured me that it was so important to have the D & C and he knows it was so horrible for me, but it's already been a benefit to me. We still don't know the full pathology report, so we don't what type of cancer it is, or how it will be treated. I'm OK though. Chemo is going to be hard, but this waiting business is harder. I just want to start getting rid of this cancer.

I love you guys and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, thank you thank you. I appreciate each and every one of you so much. I have so much help and support to get me through this, that it's been pretty hard to feel sorry for myself the last couple of days. So THANK YOU!

Yesterday, on the way home from Sissy's BBQ. Asa was scared and stiff as a board on the motorcycle.

my soccer pro. How adorable are his knee socks? VERY ADORABLE!

The LOVE OF MY LIFE and my greatest cheerleader and support. I love him so much. I'm a lucky wife :) And he's a lucky husband :)

Papa came over and joined in on the soccer fun. I just sat at the sidelines and gave Asa hi-5's as he would run by after a goal.

Asa's soccer action figures.

Asa eating a healthy breakfast of corn dog and Popsicle. Not in that order. And shirtless.

Josh wanted to make sure that I posted this picture of me. It was the morning after my port "install" and he told me I looked beautiful sitting there. I'm bringing sexy back for sure. I love my son in the back round eating his healthy breakfast. I have cancer....and I'm not going to complain on what Joshua fixes us for our breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Sig sent me a book (many actually) and I have laughed and cried while reading them. One of the things that I have clung to is to play the cancer card as often as I can. I did it yesterday while shopping for a supportive sports bra to wear at night. I didn't' have one and it helped me tremendously last night with my pain. ANYWAY, I was in the ladies dressing room and I asked if Joshua could come in and help me put it on, that I was having difficulties putting it on. (I really was, my left arm pit still hurts from the biopsy and my port hurts when I rub any clothing along it). The lady said no men allowed. I said "I have cancer, have just had surgery and I'm having a hard time. I need my husband's help". She let him in :) SO, it's not so bad having cancer.

Asa at his end of spring season soccer. He is so grown up.

Better Moment

I'm better this evening. Joshua and I spent the day running errands, getting groceries etc. Joshua picked up Asa in the early afternoon and Mom and Papa picked me up for my biopsy. I was scared, but it was OK. The mammogram after was actually worse. The "tumor" could be seen on the mammogram, but couldn't be seen last year. So very important ladies to get a mammogram yearly. I'm better emotionally tonight. I've spent a few hours with Asa and we named one of his soccer action figures "chemotherapy guy" because he's bald. Asa told me that chemotherapy guy's hair will grow in after treatment is over. LOL He's only 4, but oh so in tune what is going on around us. Emotions are running rampant over here at our house.

I'm very tired. I hope to have the pathology report tomorrow, no later than Friday. I'm praying that it is OK. If not, then that's OK too. See? I'm doing better! Being bi-polar is a breeze compared to this roller coaster of emotions.

I love my family and my husband and my son so much. I have a lot to live for.

Poor ME!

Yesterday sucked and today sucks too, although today I'm not crying. Joshua took me to lunch to have a cancer free day. We lasted about 15 minutes and started talking about it. I feel so ugly with my port. I'm not vain, but I just feel ugly and knowing I'm going to lose my hair just makes me sick to my stomach. I can imagine Asa's face when he sees me with my shaved head. I'm going to let him help me shave it, maybe it won't be so traumatizing, but I will still be. Josh has been good to me. He tells me my port looks sexy, like tattoos.....he tells me I look more beautiful that I did before I was his little cancer patient. He is devastated and wants to be with me so badly. He says that work just makes him want to scream, people with their idle chit chat and drama, that is NOT drama. He is strong for me. Asa has been breaking down every so often. Last night while I was laying in bed with him, he said that he was scared of me starting chemotherapy. I told him I was too. I told him it wouldn't last for long and he seemed happy with that answer. I just cry and cry...it won't stop.

Today I have my breast biopsy. I dread it, not because I think it's cancer, but it could mean a surgery, lumpectomy, more tests. I just want to get this treatment started. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! but I have too.

Joshua and I enjoyed watching the Lost finale. For 2 hours we forgot about cancer. I guess we need to do that more often. I haven't' been watching a lot of TV, since I got to bed at 8pm and just want to lay and not move myself to the living room to watch TV. I'm having a hard time just living right now. Cancer is on all of our minds. IT SUCKS SO BAD!

I miss my Grandma so much. She was a source of strength for me and I don't have her anymore. I'm needing her and just pray that she is listening to me.

I'm having good moments and bad moments. I think the good moments are more than the bad, but it's a toss up. My lung hurts and my brain hurts from thinking thinking thinking. I know it will get better....I hope.

I'm glad that my family has faith and keep praying for me. It's hard for me to believe right now, but I do have an open heart and am grateful that my family is praying for me...and all of you too.

I wish I had a funny story to tell....but not today.

Another Day

I had my Medi-port put in yesterday. I have been pretty upset in my stomach since yesterday and it's hard to keep food down. I haven't taken pain pills since 7:30 am and am feeling OK.

My doctor's office called today and the breast MRI from Friday showed a "spot" that needs to be biopsied on Wednesday. I am unable to start treatment tomorrow. I am relieved, but I just want to get started. I'm feeling in my heart that the spot is cancer. It's not worry some to me. It would kind of be nice to know where the live cancer came from and that would probably be the answer. If I have a tumor in my breast, I want a double mastectomy STAT! It grosses me out thinking that they could be growing cancer inside. I'm disgusted that I have cancer growing inside me period. It sucks.

I have just laying around today and kind of feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm entitled to. I'm doing better about the baby though. Now I'm thinking about me. I feel guilty about not spending enough time with Asa the last couple of weeks and I feel guilty about the baby and I feel guilty about my Mom and Sissy and Papa doing so much work for me. I just want to be able to be myself again. I sound like a broken record.

Asa told me something funny and sweet the other day. He just looked me in the eyes and said "Mum, I'm sorry that your baby isn't going to hatch from your vagina". I just looked at him serious back and said "me too". It was a sweet moment but I was laughing inside.

I'm tired and feeling a bit sick, so I'm keeping this short. Oh, Sissy and Valentina came over for most of the morning, and Mom and Papa spent the day here. Papa worked in my back yard and made it look immaculate and Mom worked inside and made the inside of my house look immaculate. She cooked and played with Asa and I'm sure she is exhausted tonight. I couldn't' be alone today after the surgery and Josh had to work, so I'm so glad for my familia :) It was nice to see Sissy and Valentina.

I got a special card and sweet gift from Heather D. today. Thank you. It made my day and made me smile. I have such great friends that I haven't ever met! I'm blessed.

Continue to pray and keep good thoughts. I have good moments and bad moments many times a day, but have comfort in the fact that I have such support and love.

GREAT DAY!

My bone scans are CLEAN! NO CANCER IN MY BONES! What a relief. I feel so lucky to JUST have liver cancer! LOL For reals! Today is a great day. Thank you for your prayers. I have been thanking God over and over and over this afternoon into my evening. It won't stop :)

I had my breast MRI today and I'm positive that it will be good too. I can do this liver thing. I am positive and happy today. I went and bought 2 new outfits today. Clothes that I hadn't been pregnant in. It had helped, even before I knew the scans were clean. I know that sounds silly, but putting on new clothes gave me some energy and confidence that I needed. Josh hadn't seen me since this morning he had been sleeping and when he woke up he told me I looked so beautiful and my smile was genuine. He hadn't seen me so happy in 2 weeks. We had a long talk this morning after he got home from work. It was a true heart to heart and we both feel better. Josh said that the day we lost the baby, he had to believe in God and know that our baby was in heaven. It was a relief to me. He isn't spiritual, but this has changed his way of thinking. I just love my husband so much.

We had soccer practice tonight and it was Asa's end of season soccer party. I love him so much and I look at him and just want to cry. He saw my hospital band on my wrist and said "take it off mom, with scissors NOW!" He has told me that the last 3 times he has seen them on my wrist. He asked me last night why we weren't having the baby. I explained to him that I was too sick to have the baby, but the doctor took the baby and sent it to heaven. He was happy with that explanation, and I guess I was too. Our baby is in heaven.

I feel so hopeful you guys! I'm still scared, but am counting my blessings. Sunday is my surgery, but I'm excited to get that over with and start chemo. I want my 6 months to fly by. After 6 months of hell, I want to take the children to Disneyland!!!!! I have to have something dream for. Last time I got done with chemo, we went to Disneyland and how fitting to take the children after I get done with this round.

I'm a survivor and a warrior. (I'm chuckling at the warrior part....I hope I'm not like Coach on Survivor :)

Today is a good day and I'm hoping for an even better one tomorrow.

Keep praying and thinking good thoughts! It's working!

Hurting, Crying and So Sad

I'm experiencing the worst time of my life. I can't shake the thought of cancer. It's with me constantly. I try really hard, but it's so heavy. I know I will fight it, but.....it's overwhelming.

I miss my baby so much. It's almost too much to bear. I can't stop thinking about that too. I have been talking with a grief counselor off and on today. I cry, then I'm OK, and I can't stop crying again. I'm exhausted.

I don't have the results from the bone scan. Probably not until tomorrow. I am having an MRI on my breasts sometime next week. After the biopsy, the cancer is no ER/PR receptive, as it was last time, so my chemo will be different. With that biopsy, it could mean that I have breast cancer in my breast somewhere now. My mind is just racing and I feel like I'm spinning so fast. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up and not have this happening. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I am blessed to have a wonderful family, and other's have it much worse than me, but I'm devastated and so sad. I have never been this sad in my life. I'm so scared. I don't want to have to do chemo again. I said I never would after the last time. I have to for Asa. I have to, but I don't want to. I just want this to be a dream.

When I'm with my family, we try to keep it light, but it's on our mind. I miss my sister and our mindless chatter. I miss my life from 2 weeks ago. I miss my baby most of all. I miss worrying about it, wondering if I'm sleeping enough, drinking enough water, taking my pre-natals, wearing my pants too tight? Am I squishing the baby? It's gone now. My baby is GONE!

Sunday I am having my surgery to have my medi-port put in my chest. I didn't have one last time and I wished that I had. Chemo will be once a week for 6 months, so that will save a bit on my arm veins.

Candy, I'm wearing my kick ass shirt you sent me :) I feel powerful with it on.

Sig, thank you for your box of inspirational goodies. I cried going through the books, knowing that I will be needing them, wishing that I didn't.

My heart physically hurts. I have faith, love GOD, but am having a hard time coping with this all. Our lives have just been completely turned upside down and I'm so MAD ABOUT IT! I want things the way they were. I keep squeezing my eyes together hoping that this is a dream. I miss my old life. I didn't take it for granted, I thanked God for every minute of our health and our happiness and I can't believe this.

I just want it to be behind me already.

Soccer

Tomorrow I am going to the hospital at 11am for my D & C. My heart will be broken for sure. I do feel peace and am hopeful though. I am really feeling all the postive energy and prayers that are being said for me. I am thankful for all of you :)

Here are some pictures from our Soccer Saturday. Our little superstar and our cheerleader!

"Does this make my butt look big?"

Asa was soccer "captain" Saturday and has his little leg badge to prove it.

Asa was talking to me and Joshua was snapping pictures. He's so sweet

How adorable is she?

Just look at his moves. The 2 kids from the red Dragons are shakin' in their boots.

The best Mother's Day gift ever. I wish you all could smell it :) The cake was delicous and I am so blessed.

Happy Mothers Day

My post below was NOT positive and after writing it it did make me feel better. I cried and asked God to take my pain and fear and I am feeling much better :) I am having a great day and listening to my boys bake me a cake had me laughing the entire time. I was in the other room but heard everything. They are 2 peas in a pod! I am thankful for every day! I am blessed and am looking forward to our Mother's Day lunch today. I thank God for my doctors and my family and so glad that my cancer is treatable. I love life!

My Emotions are CRAZY!

I have been busy the last week with tests and Dr. appointments, so the thought of cancer has been in my mind. But, the last 2 days it has been constant with fears of the worst. I am trying to stay strong but am crying too much. I'm writing this not really to post, but as a diary of my thoughts. Joshua thought it would be a good idea for me to document my feelings and hopefully feel better emotionally. This may not make sense since my mind is running. My mother in law told me to try to imagine my "fetus" as going to heaven and that God will hold it in His hand. My baby will be an angel and take care of Asa and us as we grow old. I'm kind of clinging to that fact as it's the only thing that is helping me right now. I'm so scared of treatment. Walking in the room where treatment is given brought back gross memories and the smells that made me sick. I'm dreading it.

I'm scared that the bone scan will come back positive and then I'm in real trouble. I'm honestly trying to think positive, but I'm so scared too. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I can't quite bring myself to leave it with God yet. I leave everything else up to Him, but this is different. I can't explain it.

I want to live long so I can see Asa grow up and be a confident young man. I'm so scared. I don't want to die.

I miss my Grandmother being alive to pray for me.

Even though I have so many people praying and thinking of me, I have a great family support I still feel alone. I'm so scared. Josh is going back to work on Wednesday night and I'm dreading it. He has been so good for me and is the best caregiver. I love him so much.

I sit here writing and crying, but yet happy. I'm happy for my husband and my son, and my family. It's Mother's Day and I'm blessed to be a Mother. I'm laughing now thinking of how cute Asa and Josh must look, shopping at the grocery store for cake mix and home essentials. Asa was adamant that he make me a cake for Mother's Day. Josh is making sure I'm eating fruits and vegetables. He's shoving them down my throat feeding them to me. I'll be in the bedroom resting and here he comes, with a bowl of berries making me eat bites. Antioxidants he says...they are good for me.

I am feeling better now. I'm everywhere emotionally, and I'm getting closer to letting God take this for me. I know I have to, I guess I don't want to lose control, even though I'm pretty much out of control.

I'm posting this picture of Asa and I from when we were at the beach last month. This is the only picture I have of us where I think that we resemble each other. I love how he is clinging to me. He needs me.

Please continue to pray that my bone scan is clear and that I can just give this whole huge mess to God. I need some peace.

I love you all :)

Bad News

I hate sounding like a Debbie Downer, which I'm really not, but I did get some bad news. After meeting with my oncologist yesterday, the consensus is that I must terminate the pregnancy. If I was a lot farther along it could be different, but since I am so early, there really is no other choice. I need a bone scan yet and then will start treatment as early as next week. Monday and Tuesday will be the worst days of my life to date. D & C is scheduled for Tuesday, perhaps as early as Monday. I am prepared, but so sad. I'm so sad. I'm glad that I have my perfect boy and Joshua is the best. I am so lucky to have my support of my family.

Last night I slept better than I have in weeks. I had the right pain pill and slept virtually pain free last night. Sleeping did a lot for me emotionally. I'm excited to start treatment. Since I had such a long remission from my cancer last time, nearly 17 years, they will probably use the same cocktail as before. I will be going once a week for chemo, for 3 months. Hopefully it will be in remission by then and then I will be on hormone therapy for the rest of my life.

Asa has a soccer game today at 1 and then Joshua and I are double dating with Sissy and Norm after. The weather is gorgeous today and we are having lunch al fresco and then to a movie. Star Trek. Sissy and I did not pick the movie :) Tomorrow is Mother's Day and we will all be having lunch together. I'm lucky to have my family. And lucky to have my cyber family too.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and I will continue to need them throughout my week next week as it will be one of the hardest of my life.

What A Ride

A week ago I had started school, was loving it so much. I was thinking how fast the summer was going to go and final exams would be finished and then our baby would be born soon after. What a difference 1 day makes.

Sunday night I went to the emergency room after having some severe pains in my left shoulder, and have also had some pain when I breath. The Dr. was unable to do an X-Ray since I am pregnant, so a CT scan was done of my chest area. That showed some liver tumors and some enlarged lymph nodes. I was devastated. I knew I was going to die. Sunday was a pretty depressing day and I pretty much thought my world was going to end.

Monday I was on the phone early and was able to either see or talk to my doctors directly. They seemed optimistic after reading the CT report from the previous day. My whole family and I were also feeling optimistic. Tuesday, I had an MRI and that showed that it indeed was liver cancer, but not sure from where or what. I was prepared, but Mom and Sissy were not. They were sure I was healed, but after talking to my surgeon that afternoon, we found it it is treatable and I'm not going to die, so I am healed. Yesterday, I had a CT scan and ultra sound and after talking to the radiologist, it appears as if the cancer is from my breast cancer. That is good news, since it is easier to treat.

Today at 1pm I am having an ultra sound guided biopsy of my liver. I am feeling optimistic and just happy to be getting it done with. I won't know the results until Monday. I just want to start treatment ASAP so I can get this disgusting cancer out of my body. I have been in constant pain in my left side and the pain med's make my stomach even more upset, along with the morning sickness, so I'm just having to deal with it, but the pain gives me a constant reminder that I have growing cancerous tumors in my body.

I saw my OB yesterday and was able to hear the heartbeat of our 11 week old fetus. I was so scared of terminating the pregnancy if needed and it has weighed more on me than knowing I have cancer. After talking with my doctor and hearing the heartbeat, I am more prepared. Sounds weird I know, but I know that my life is the most important and I will know more after talking with the oncologist. It will truly be a miracle if we are able to keep the baby and that is my hope and prayer. I have my perfect Asa and I thank God every time I look at him.

I am doing OK, but have bouts of tearing up, which I think is pretty good. I am not looking forward to treatment, but want to get it over with.

I had to withdraw from school, but have hopes to start again when this is all over. I LOVED it!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I have read the comments from Sissy's blog over and over and they make me smile. I believe in the power of prayer and know that I am going to be OK. I have to be for my family.

I have liver cancer. Sissy and I giggle every time I say that. It's just so unbelievable to me, that it just sounds so absurd. It's like saying I'm the Queen of England.

I am so thankful for my family and my husband and my son. Joshua is always a source of comedic relief and Asa will give me a thumbs up every so often. Asa knows that I'm sick, but he has had to bear with me through a lot of illness before and to him, and to him this is no different than me having a migraine or morning sickness. I have a tough strong family.

Thank you again for all of your prayers and thoughts and I appreciate all of you very much. I love my cyber family :)

Easter time

I'm late posting, I know. A lot has been happening, just not making the time to share it all. I am good, just not into blogging. I have taken a hiatus from FB as well, as I was spending WAY too much idle time on it and not getting anything else done in my "real" world.

I am starting school on Monday. I will be done in 9 months and getting a diploma in Medical billing/coding. I am a bit nervous, but happy to be doing something that will improve my life some with the expectation that I will be able to work from home part time eventually. Mom and Sissy will be baby sitting Asa while I'm in school from 8am-12pm.

Monday, Papa and Mama helped me install my raised garden bed. I'm so excited to be starting my very own garden. It took all day. The way my father and mother work just amazes me. I truly think my dad is a super hero. My dream someday is to make my entire yard into garden space and be sustainable on my own food and be able to sell it to our community. A garden co-op of sorts. But right now....I will have to rely on my 4' x 8' raised bed :)

Asa continues to amaze me with how wonderful he is. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a sweet boy. I really am lucky. Yesterday he told me that I need to continue to eat healthy, because when I eat healthy foods, the baby eats healthy foods. So sweet to me.

Oh, I'm pregnant too. I haven't wanted to get too excited about it since the miscarry, but I am 8 weeks and have had an ultra sound and all looks good so far. My due date is Dec. 2 and final exams are Nov. 23. Talk about close.

I stained my deck yesterday all by myself. I am pretty proud of myself. I still haven't gotten my kitchen cabinets done yet, but they are next on the list, as well as cleaning out the garage and getting the office turned into a baby room. We are cramped for space, but I'm looking forward to the challenge of making it all fit. It's kind of exciting :)

We went to the beach (pictures to be posted tonight or tomorrow) last week and it was heaven. The 8 of us went and we can't wait to go again. I took Asa swimming everyday when he wanted to go. It was 50 degrees and Asa preferred the outdoor pool with 84 degree water, but it was still cool for me. I braved it and he loved it. Asa still says he wishes he was back at the hotel at least a couple of times a day. He and I loved waking up with everyone in the living room to greet us, coffee being ready and just doing a whole lot of nothing. Heaven.

Cousins from Alaska were up a couple of weeks before Easter and had left Asa this giant chocolate soccer ball for his basket. I gave it to him Easter Sunday and he loved it. We are all still eating on it.

Easter, after brunch, Grama Sandi had Easter goodies from Aunt Lori, Aunt Linda and Grama. These kids are so spoiled.

Easter Saturday. We decorated eggs and decided to hide them outside since there was no rain in sight. Asa was so quick. Valentina wasn't really sure on why the urgency and could have cared less about hunting Easter eggs.

Making the cascarones. Asa was able to color, fill and glue the eggs all by himself this year. He is getting so grown up. As he was coloring and filling and gluing, he would announce it. "I'm coloring the egg, now it's done...waiting for it to dry. Now I'll fill it...and glue around the edge and put the wrapper on. Done." I was cracking up. He was like an infomercial.

Me and papa decorating eggs.

The pretty girls of the familia.

Valentina LOVED coloring eggs. She's double fisting here. She would just squeal out of the blue that she was "doing it!"

Easter Saturday Asa had a game. We got beat, but it was still fun.

We went to Goldendale a few days before Easter. There are windmills going up everywhere you look there. They are so cool and enormous.

Asa insisted on wearing his bike helmet in Goldendale when he was outside. Not sure why. He can't get on the tractor when it's going, but he likes to sit in it when it's not. He's styling with a stocking cap + helmet.

I get a picture like this of Papa every time I visit. I love it. Funny thing is, he usually sits down around 9pm after working all day on the property and then sits down to read the paper, but after about 5 minutes, Asa has him playing with him instead. So, I have to take a picture quick.

Asa wanted Beya to read to him, and she did for a LONG time.

Beya colored eggs with Asa.

Grocery shopping in Goldendale. Asa loves pushing the cart even when it's full size, so this is a treat for him at the grocery store. Bad thing is he likes to race it down the aisles.

We stopped at the Stonehenge memorial in Maryhill on the way to Goldendale and it was so windy. Asa seriously looked like he was going to blow away. He didn't like it and was glad when Beya rescued him to the truck.

Stonehenge.

The view of the Columbia river at Maryhill.

an old gas station in Maryhill.

I call this the best sandwich ever. It's filet mignon, with a blue cheese sour cream spread, arugula on a toasted chibata. I got the recipe on foodtv.com and it is truly the best sandwich ever. Mom said that the picture of the old gas station would make a cute little curio shop/cafe I thought of my sandwich being the specialty someday. I'm nuts.

I'm pretty sure this is the cutest thing in the entire world.

Asa riding his "new" used bike that papa and Beya got him at a yard sale. We got some accessories and pimped it out. He loves it. It's his first bike.

Valentina's "new" used bike. The boys making repairs and also pimping it out. She doesn't really like it that much yet.

action shot

Soccer 3 weeks ago.

I was picking up the living room one afternoon and saw that this had been done in one of his puzzle books. It's a code game where you match the fish with a corresponding letter. I have helped him do this once before. I was shocked when I saw that he had completed all 3 puzzles. Josh had been with him earlier in the afternoon and I had asked him if he helped him and he hadn't. I think it's pretty amazing. The joke is "how do fish talk to each other?" answer that Asa completed "on shell phones." LOL

Valentina being completely adorable as usual.

Asa and I on a date at American Dreams Pizza in Portland. He looked at me and said "this place isn't very nice Mum." I asked why? He looked down at the plates and said "the plates aren't nice at all". He did like the pizza though.

TGIF - Soccer edition

Tomorrow is Asa's first game of the season! YIPPEE! Yesterday was practice and the weather was so bad. Asa was literally soaked from his hips down. I had to strip him and he rode nekked on the way home! I did put a blanket over him :)

Sissy is sick with an ear infection and it's really bad. She went to the doctor on Tuesday and is on her way with Mom right now. She just moans and moans and looks terrible. I hope she feels better tonight.

Asa and Valentina are at Grama Sandi's this afternoon. Asa was so excited to see her. He felt robbed on Tuesday since I MADE him run errands with me instead.

The weather is supposed to change here starting tomorrow. Forecast is 60 degrees tomorrow, sunny, and by Monday, it's supposed to be 75 degrees! It has made me optimistic for now. We'll see if it happens.

I am going to Goldendale next week over night with Mama, Papa and the kids. Mom told Asa that while they were doing landscape work there, that they found a large hole near the trees and she thinks it's where the Easter Bunny lives. Asa is curious. I am too :)

I will have a lot of pictures from tomorrows game and if the weather is great, there will be more of the weekend too. I just hope that Cameo feels better.

Shake N Bake!