Peace at last

I'll start with an update from the weekend.

I did NOT sleep on Friday like I had planned. Asa being gone, it was a perfect opportunity to get a lot accomplished at home. I even made a huge meal for Joshua and myself Friday night. I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30. I'm a bum.

Saturday kicked ass. I slept in, got to watch an "R" rated movie, and went tanning. In my mind, I was the shit. Later I met up with Asa and the parents at Sissy's house. I talked Mom into going out for dinner with Asa and I for Saturday family fun night. We ended up eating at a disgusting Mexican restaurant that we had never been too. Mom and I like to try new places once in a while. While eating, Asa would get that pained look on his face, and I would look at him, and he would just stare at me, and freeze. It was the "poo" look. After literally running to the bathroom 6 times and nothing happening, we headed home. He did manage to go for me after we got home. No accidents for over a week, we are doing well. I'll leave it at that.

Sunday, Sissy, Uncle Norm, Vali, Asa and I headed to the city for some shopping. We had such a fun time. The weather was great, and shopping with Sissy and Vali is always an adventure. Other than the "stare and freeze" from Asa, and running 5 times to the bathroom it was a very relaxing and enjoyable lunch at Red Robin. We were all pretty tired after we got home.

Monday....oh Monday. Preschool tour day. We went to 2. That's all I could handle in 1 day. I was so excited to see what was in store for Asa, and excited to get him enrolled in a fun, CLEAN school. School #1. Old, moldy, stinky, looked more like a nursing home than a preschool. From what we could see, the curriculum consisted of animals running and screaming around filthy, faded toys. I asked if I could have some references from other parents, and the administrator just looked at me and said "hmmm, no...that's a really good question though". Oh, I was told that the 3 year old class color in color books and that it's very creative. HOW CREATIVE IS COLORING IN A COLOR BOOK!!! After getting out to the car, I held my feedback from Asa and asked what he thought. He said he like the box of airplanes, but wanted to see another school. School #2. A very big respectable school. We walk in and it's very warm, nicely decorated and smells clean. We start the tour. I notice that the only noise I hear is loud classical music. I'm thinking to myself "nice.....classical music, It must be part of the curriculum". As we enter the first "class room" there appears to be about 30 kids, just sleeping on the floor. The administrator just kept talking and showing us around the room. We were stepping OVER the kids. Asa was quite taken aback, and grabbed my hand and stuck to my leg like glue. I must have looked puzzled because the administrator asked if I had any questions. I asked how long the kids nap for. She answered 2 hours. OK, I have a problem with this. Preschool is for 2 1/2 hours, 2 days a week. I'm not going to pay someone to watch my kid sleep. If someone is going to have peace while my kid is sleeping, it's going to be me. She led me into another preschool room. She said that it was a bit more advanced, and Asa would probably like it better. Cool I think, until we walk into the other classroom, AND THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP IN THAT ROOM TOO!!! I mentioned to the administrator that I was looking for a school that actually taught something. Oh, she says. We teach them to recognize letters, number, shapes and colors. I honestly felt like I was the only sane person in that place. and I'm BI POLAR!!!! I wanted to scream. I don't think I'm asking too much for a school that actually teaches something of importance. I want him to be able to play, socialize and do crafts and sing, but he is smart, and likes to be challenged. With help from my family, he is spelling, reading words using phonics, practicing addition, and knows by heart where all the states go on the map. I'm pretty sure he's not the only 3 year old that can do that, and am really shocked that this is all there is for schools. I do have more to tour, but am cutting it close, as most schools are registering in April for September classes.

After the school (I'm using the term loosely) tours, Hebrew school, called Training Wheels is looking better and better. I have to get some more info on it, but it's once a week, and just arts and crafts with traditional singing. If I want to teach him other things, I can, and Mom is always teaching him too. He is on the waiting list for soccer, and will know about that in a couple of weeks. He told me tonight that he would like to go swimming with other kids too. I don't want to overwhelm him, and I told him he can try whatever he might like to try, and we can always change our mind. He was happy with that.

I thought I was getting depressed last week again. I had been a bit "high" a couple of weeks before that, and was getting discouraged that being high is going to make me low. After having a level weekend, I am so happy to say that I'm learning so much about myself, and the highs and lows of being bi polar. I can't really explain, but am really proud of myself for pushing through this, with help of course from the family, and medication. I cannot stress enough how much medication has saved my life. It saved my relationship with Joshua, it has made me a better mother, and a more attentive daughter and sister. I honestly feel that if it weren't for my medication, I would be dead. At first, I thought that I would just need to be medicated until my mood got more level, but now know that I will probably be on meds for the rest of my life. As I sit here now, writing this, it's the first time I haven't been embarrassed to say that I'm mentally ill. I feel so bad for others that are battling mental illness, and the stigma that goes along with it. Mental Health Awareness Month isn't until May, but I'm starting the celebration now. I pray and hope that others can find peace like I have.