My Emotions are CRAZY!

I have been busy the last week with tests and Dr. appointments, so the thought of cancer has been in my mind. But, the last 2 days it has been constant with fears of the worst. I am trying to stay strong but am crying too much. I'm writing this not really to post, but as a diary of my thoughts. Joshua thought it would be a good idea for me to document my feelings and hopefully feel better emotionally. This may not make sense since my mind is running. My mother in law told me to try to imagine my "fetus" as going to heaven and that God will hold it in His hand. My baby will be an angel and take care of Asa and us as we grow old. I'm kind of clinging to that fact as it's the only thing that is helping me right now. I'm so scared of treatment. Walking in the room where treatment is given brought back gross memories and the smells that made me sick. I'm dreading it.

I'm scared that the bone scan will come back positive and then I'm in real trouble. I'm honestly trying to think positive, but I'm so scared too. I'm tired of thinking and worrying. I can't quite bring myself to leave it with God yet. I leave everything else up to Him, but this is different. I can't explain it.

I want to live long so I can see Asa grow up and be a confident young man. I'm so scared. I don't want to die.

I miss my Grandmother being alive to pray for me.

Even though I have so many people praying and thinking of me, I have a great family support I still feel alone. I'm so scared. Josh is going back to work on Wednesday night and I'm dreading it. He has been so good for me and is the best caregiver. I love him so much.

I sit here writing and crying, but yet happy. I'm happy for my husband and my son, and my family. It's Mother's Day and I'm blessed to be a Mother. I'm laughing now thinking of how cute Asa and Josh must look, shopping at the grocery store for cake mix and home essentials. Asa was adamant that he make me a cake for Mother's Day. Josh is making sure I'm eating fruits and vegetables. He's shoving them down my throat feeding them to me. I'll be in the bedroom resting and here he comes, with a bowl of berries making me eat bites. Antioxidants he says...they are good for me.

I am feeling better now. I'm everywhere emotionally, and I'm getting closer to letting God take this for me. I know I have to, I guess I don't want to lose control, even though I'm pretty much out of control.

I'm posting this picture of Asa and I from when we were at the beach last month. This is the only picture I have of us where I think that we resemble each other. I love how he is clinging to me. He needs me.

Please continue to pray that my bone scan is clear and that I can just give this whole huge mess to God. I need some peace.

I love you all :)