Hurting, Crying and So Sad

I'm experiencing the worst time of my life. I can't shake the thought of cancer. It's with me constantly. I try really hard, but it's so heavy. I know I will fight it, but.....it's overwhelming.

I miss my baby so much. It's almost too much to bear. I can't stop thinking about that too. I have been talking with a grief counselor off and on today. I cry, then I'm OK, and I can't stop crying again. I'm exhausted.

I don't have the results from the bone scan. Probably not until tomorrow. I am having an MRI on my breasts sometime next week. After the biopsy, the cancer is no ER/PR receptive, as it was last time, so my chemo will be different. With that biopsy, it could mean that I have breast cancer in my breast somewhere now. My mind is just racing and I feel like I'm spinning so fast. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up and not have this happening. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I am blessed to have a wonderful family, and other's have it much worse than me, but I'm devastated and so sad. I have never been this sad in my life. I'm so scared. I don't want to have to do chemo again. I said I never would after the last time. I have to for Asa. I have to, but I don't want to. I just want this to be a dream.

When I'm with my family, we try to keep it light, but it's on our mind. I miss my sister and our mindless chatter. I miss my life from 2 weeks ago. I miss my baby most of all. I miss worrying about it, wondering if I'm sleeping enough, drinking enough water, taking my pre-natals, wearing my pants too tight? Am I squishing the baby? It's gone now. My baby is GONE!

Sunday I am having my surgery to have my medi-port put in my chest. I didn't have one last time and I wished that I had. Chemo will be once a week for 6 months, so that will save a bit on my arm veins.

Candy, I'm wearing my kick ass shirt you sent me :) I feel powerful with it on.

Sig, thank you for your box of inspirational goodies. I cried going through the books, knowing that I will be needing them, wishing that I didn't.

My heart physically hurts. I have faith, love GOD, but am having a hard time coping with this all. Our lives have just been completely turned upside down and I'm so MAD ABOUT IT! I want things the way they were. I keep squeezing my eyes together hoping that this is a dream. I miss my old life. I didn't take it for granted, I thanked God for every minute of our health and our happiness and I can't believe this.

I just want it to be behind me already.