I'm so thankful for all of you.

The last 2 weeks have gone by so fast. I try to get in as many things on a good 2 days, and then I'm on the lam for the next 5.

I have so much to report, but I've been up way too late with my boys tonight. We had a great night together and Asa stayed awake until he feel asleep in my arms in the couch. Asa said that he was proud of me. I asked him why? he answered "you haven't been grumpy once since you started chemo, I'm proud of you, you are doing a great job". I have such a sweet son and an even greater husband. My mom in a rock and she is such a great care taker. Sissy consistently amazes me a my child's care giver/mom/Sissy. She does it every day, no complaining and happy to do it. I WOULD watch both the children if I had to, but I don't ever want to. I could never compare and she is great with them. She is a true talent when taking care of our children. They love her so much. I appreciate you sissy. I love you so much. My poor mother has gone to every appointment with me and helped me, held my hand while walking, getting my walker out so I can shop (on Tuesdays) and cares for me day and night. Even on her nights off (when josh is home with me) she still comes over, picks up Asa so I can sleep more in the mornings and just continues on. Never complaining. I have the best family and am blessed to have them. I thank God for them many times a day. Even though this mother fucking cancer has a brief hold on us for the time being, it's bringing us even closer and stronger as a unit. We all need each other.

I have so many stories and update of appointments and pictures to post, but I wanted to give you an insight as to my emotion at the moment. I'm OK, I'm fighting like Cotto, I'm done with 3 rounds of chemo. I have Monday off, Josh and I are talking about taking Asa to the Seattle Aquarium if I'm feeling up to it. Not sure yet.

You have all been on my mind and have felt bad not posting in such a long while. I will get my butt in gear tomorrow with updates galore and a few new pics. Love you all and pray that I get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow night the pain starts up in the spine from the chemo and the next 3 days are the hardest. I'm prepared for it now, and ready to fight it until it's DEAD! I am stronger than this monster. Oh, my hair is falling out. We were supposed to shave it tonight, but mom forgot the clippers, so tomorrow it will be. I will feel empowered and sad at the same time, but it's showing that the chemo is working. Asa told me last night "Mum, it's time to shave your head, your hair is getting to be a nuisance".

I have gotten so many beautiful gifts in the mail along with greeting cards and I'm sorry I've been slow on my thank yous. I am looking forward to writing to you all personally tomorrow. Thank you so much for your love. I feel it in every card and gift and email that I get.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers and support. I'll talk to you tomorrow again.

Tired, yet again.

I had a much better day yesterday than one week ago. Medication changes have helped me sleep and relieve the pain.

Cancer has metastasized into my vertebrae which was a shock to me. Dr. called us Friday evening to let us know the results of the MRI done early in the afternoon. We saw him Monday and we are staying on course with the same chemo and I'm feeling hopeful. Scared, but hopeful. I'm calling the office today to see when my brain scan and additional bone scan will be done this week.

I'm exhausted. I had a great day yesterday, but didn't rest enough. I have slept 4 hours and I'm drained. I'm already tired of having cancer and to know that it's moving around is sickening to me.

I had a great friend some over and she was so sweet to bring our family food for dinner. We visited (maybe too long Carol...I was tired when you left, but you always make me laugh) I didn't want you to go. I love my visitors so come on over! I can't wait to see you again. I love my gift and haven't' taken it off. It's on like glue and I think of you when I see it.

Nichole Rae.....you commented on my blog but I have no idea how to get a hold of you. I cried and cried when I read it. I think of you everyday....EVERYDAY and need to talk to you so badly. I miss you and love you. You can email me at trina dot gonzalez at hotmail dot com. I have so much to say to you and just want you to know that you mean so much to me. I have missed you for a very long time. What is your email?

My head is aching and I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep. I just got up and read every pathology report of mine since the beginning of this hell. I realized last night I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I will never know if it's completely gone, or when it will be back. I don't feel much like a fighter right at the moment. I'm living with cancer...that's what Mom says breast cancer is stated now a days. I don't want to live with cancer. I want to live without it.

Sig is having a node removed today so keep her in your prayers. She has been a big help to us and our family during this trip to hell. She's been on the road there too.

I got a wig. It's OK for a wig. I feel like a movie star in it with my Kate Spade sunglasses. I will look incognito going in for treatments. Like a movie star. (I'm losing it peeps, having delusions) My boys LOVE it and are not so scared for me to lose my hair, since they like the wig better than my NEW haircut. Stinkers. Asa keeps reminding me not to forget to cut my hair so it doesn't make a mess when it starts falling out. He hears EVERYTHING! Except when he's watching soccer and he can't hear me when I'm talking to him in his face. He answers back to me "words words words....stop talking....I can't hear my TV show!". I'm not sure if he's turning 5 in September of 15.

He has loved me being home, even if I am sick and in bed. He likes it when we are together. He hasn't liked all the appointments and tests that take me away from home. He has been great and very patient with me. He mainly talks to me about cancer when we are getting ready for bed. Then he brings up questions he must have after listening to our family talk. We always invite into the conversation so he knows that he can talk about it with us. When he has a questions that makes him feel uneasy, he asks if he can whisper in my ear. If the answer takes too long or it bores him he replies "poopy diaper pants" and leaves me immediately. He either got the idea, or he'll ask again later.

Mandy...thank you thank you. You are such a dear friend. I love them both, especially my journal. It is my medication, chemo and side effect record book. I needed one. and it's gorgeous. I'm mail you something soon. Love you :)

I'm feeling queasy today and very unstable mental wise. Lack of sleep. Head ache, but no back pain. One side effect of one of the chemo's is feet and hand numbness. It comes and goes. It literally feels like feet have been sitting in an ice water bath for hours. Soft sock help (thanks Sig) but then the sweats kick in soon after. I'm a complainer today...I'm giving me a day of feeling sorry for myself. I deserve it. Tomorrow is another day.

I have genetic testing today, to test for the "mutated" gene that causes cancer. We'll see what comes of that. Kind of late now...I've had cancer twice in my life before age 40. I'm saying it's positive.

Grama is having the children today and if I feel well enough after genetic testing, Sissy will meet mom and I for lunch. Thank you Grama for helping with the kids. I love you.

Many of you have asked what you can do or send to me. I have a REQUEST! My bible is getting more and more full of scriptures, but I have NO BOOKMARKS! I mentioned it to mom and she said that there are a lot of you that would probably like to do that for me. No pressure, just something small that I need and I would love some from my cyber family. It would also remind me of your constant thoughts and prayers for me. I keep all cards that I have gotten from so many of you with me at my bed side table. I just shake my head and smile when I look at the piles. I am blessed....but still feeling sorry for myself today :) I also love travel/tourist magazines (free ones in touristy towns) I could look at those for hours as they are an easy read and I dream of traveling all over the US SOMEDAY. DREAM. Those books help me along in my dream. So many of you don't live near me and I think it would be cool to see where some of you like to vacation and travel too. Thank you all.

Disneyland seems so far away. I have 17 more treatments to go. Less God willing. I need to magazine travel until that time :) I barely have energy to to to treatment and the store for 45 minutes...and not on the same day. Too MUCH.

I have some more pictures to post...just not much energy (have I mentioned I don't have much energy?) I have some chemo induced photos of my hot self. I'm sure you won't want to miss those.

I love you guys and love your prayers and tomorrow is another day. If some of you comment, let me know of a miracle you have had today. I am so blessed and do feel my miracles, but this whole vertebrae stuff has me in the dumps. I need some stories peeps. Positive ones.

I'm tired. I'm going to try to get another hour of sleep. This has helped my fear somewhat, so thank you for that.

Good luck Sig.....Cheers to the strong, the bald and the port-full. Eat up that cheeseburger girl.

Chemo Day in Pictures...and Miracles!

I've been trying to get this post up since yesterday. I'm going to make it quick. I'm feeling pretty good, THANK GOD! Thank you for your prayers. I have very little nausea, as long as I take my anti nausea medication. My pain in my back and headaches are pretty severe, and the narcotics just make me sick to my stomach, so that has been a drag. Dr. is giving me some better pain meds. Mom is on her way to pick them up for me as we speak and hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. I'm doing much better than I anticipated and that is a miracle. I'm so TIRED! But I can deal with that. No VOMITING! YEAH! I should be feeling a bit better by tomorrow and will hopefully have a pain free weekend and then we start over on Monday. Here are some pics from Monday.


Monday morning we were ready early and our little family of 3 went to Shari's for breakfast. It's only 1 block a away. As I as getting nervous for chemo, Joshua kept showing this picture of Asa to me to make me smile.

Me waiting for my port to get flushed and all ready for chemo.

Mom teased that this was my "vomit" bin.

My fresh toes. They make me smile. I hadn't had a pedicure in probably a year.

my port getting prepped. Josh was taking tons of pictures.

They rubbed this really stinky antibiotic all over my neck before accessing my port. It was so strong I was coughing.

My port is accessed and we are at the doctors office waiting to see my oncologist.

My oncologist.

OK, it's about to happen. Ready for my pre meds.

chillin'

view from my corner office....the window is nice too :)

I just love my husband.

6 hours later...no joke.

The Benedryl made me so tired.

Looking a little bit haggard. Almost done, and I was snacking on snacks that Sissy had packed along. Thank you Sissy. I love you.

THANKS GMOM! I got my package today and I'm so excited! Thank you, they are perfect and beautiful. You are an angel.

Love you all and continue to pray that I will be able to sleep tonight. Last night was really rough. I'm doing great though and it's a miracle.

Oh boy....

Tomorrow I start my chemotherapy. I'm anxious, scared, nervous and relieved all at the same time. I will finally know how my body will react to the "poison". It is a horrible unknown. Actually, I remember it vividly how it was 16 years ago, but have hope that it will be better this time around.

I had my lumpectomy on Monday. It went good. It was a rough recovery, nearly 3 hours in post-op, but Joshua was there to make me laugh. The nurse asked him "are you always this patient?" Josh answered "no, but for her I am". The pre-op nurse was the same one that I had for my D & C and she remembered me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She was so sympathetic towards me and was a real blessing to me both days. As I was waking up from the surgery, I vaguely heard the OR nurse telling me how I had a beautiful purple tube top on with purple flowers and how I looked hot. I am confined to wearing a tube top for the next 2 weeks. A sports bra would go right over the incision so I get to look "hot" in my purple tube top. I am recovering nicely. Friday I had my post op appointment with a nurse and she was amazed at how well my incision looked. No swelling and no bruising. It is a miracle.

We have been couch potato's all weekend and have watched more soccer than should ever be allowed. Asa and I have had very heated debates on our teams and he has become a trash talker. He apparently learned this from Sissy. Today I did get off the couch and Sissy picked me up and we went and had a pedicure. I can't remember the last time I had a pedicure. It was kick ass. Then we went next door to Baskin Robbins and had ice cream. I'm not an ice cream lover, but I enjoyed my Rocky Road very much.

I haven't cried in 24 hours. I feel like today is the end of something. Tomorrow I start my chemo and my life will be changed forever. I am very mellow and feel like I am a boxer, having the fight of my life tomorrow. I have to be focused and prepared. I'm sick to my stomach and very afraid. I know that God will not forsake me and has not forsaken me, but this battle seems very much on my shoulders and my shoulders only. Tomorrow will be a struggle for me, but I am ready for it.

I am taking all of the greeting cards that have been sent to me, and bringing them with me to treatment tomorrow. They all make me smile and I will need that tomorrow.

I can't help but think of my unborn child tomorrow. If it wasn't for this chemotherapy, I would still be pregnant. I miss my baby so much and still have moments where I think I'm still pregnant. I think of it many times a day and tomorrow it will be a constant. I pray that someday a miracle will happen where both Sissy and I can be pregnant someday. And I hope.

Another miracle...I sent out another 10 thank you cards today :) Thank you all for your prayers and support. I love you all.

Soccer fun

My pictures got all messed up and out of order and I don't know how to fix them, so I'm just winging it and you are going to get out of order pictures.

Last Sunday, we were able to take Asa to his first soccer game in Portland. It's a USL (united soccer league) team, called the Portland Timbers. They will be a MSL (major league soccer) in 2 years. We are very excited about that. An Angel from L.A. gave us the opportunity to go, and we had a great time! Josh and I talked about it in bed later and said that it was the best family fun we have every had together. We didn't have any worries, the weather was in the 80's and one of our favorite teams, Club America was playing the Timbers. Asa wore his Club America uniform and looked adorable. Asa was a bit nervous for about 10 minutes. It was loud, hot and noisy. Once the first goal was scored, he was standing and clapping and didn't' take his eyes off the game, until he got a snow cone in the 2nd half. After he finished that, he resumed watching the game. It was a treat and we LOVED IT!

Asa eating cotton candy. I tried so many times to get a good picture of him, but I never could. I gave the camera to Josh to have him get a better picture.....


...nope, he didn't get a good picture either. He shoveled cotton candy in his mouth like a real trooper.

Me, sportin' my new haircut. I love it...they boys do not. The place looks empty, but we were there 45 minutes early and once the game started it was PACKED!

Club America practicing.

I was walking back from the restroom and thought this was so cute of the boys from behind.

I love these 2 so much. They make me laugh constantly.

Go TIMBERS! Or CLUB AMERICA!

Asa and I planting after we got some plants at a plant sale. Asa planted them and watered them. I am proud of him. He has watered them every night (that it hasn't rained) and really taken care of them. We love our little garden. It makes me very happy.

LOL, Valentina.....angry. Beya took this picture and she wanted Beya to hold her, but Beya was too tired, so Valentina put on a show. Beya ended up holding her. I like to have Vali happy, but she is so funny when she gets so mad. She just changes from her sweet adorable self to something very scary. Notice the tan lines in the inside of her elbows. She has such a pretty color and getting so tanned. My dad jokes that the warm wind just has to blow to get her brown.

Josh and Asa FINALLY relaxing in the hammock. It takes some skill and a bit of practice (right Holly?) to get into my hammock. I have it down pat. I throw tons of pillows on it and it is heaven.

This is them trying to get in it...together. Asa said "that was a near wipeout Mum"!

LOL

getting off the hammock takes practice too.

Asa was just looking at one of his magazines in his room and I was doing some cleaning up in his room. He asked me what "inspiration" meant. I thought for a minute. I said "you know, when you see an airplane and you want to run inside and draw one? or when you see a soccer player score a goal and you want to score a goal too? Those things inspire you". He walked over to me with his Puzzle Buzz magazine, held up a picture of frosted donuts and said "these donuts are inspiring me to eat some donuts".

I'm going to watch a video with my husband and hopefully stay awake longer than 15 minutes. It's the same movie we attempted to watch last night...but I fell asleep...15 minutes into it. At this rate it's going to take me all week to finish it.

Shake N BAKE!

TGIF!

It's been a good week. I've felt good and the weather has been GREAT! It helps to be outside.

I found out yesterday that I have breast cancer for the 2nd time. The metastasized liver cancer is from a NEW cancer in my breast. I was cured from my last cancer 16 years ago, and this is NEW! Josh said it's like getting hit by lighting twice. My oncologist seemed please that it all makes sense now and says that I'm very unique. A different breast cancer twice in my lifetime. And I was/am so young to have breast cancer. I am having a lumpectomy on Monday morning, that will give me all week to recover and start chemotherapy on June 8.

I have had so many miracles happen for me in the last week. I sat down 2 nights ago and sent out numerous thank you cards. Each and every one was for a miracle. To all that donated their talents and gifts to the "1 in 8" cause, I thank you so much. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you for caring and your support.

Josh was talking about a girl at his work that is always cursing. He was saying "she always drops the F-bomb and the S-bomb" Asa was listening, and said "and then she drops a torpedo?".

When ever I leave for a doctors appointment, Asa kisses me and tells me "hope you feel better Mum!". Right now I am scared for chemo, but want to know how it's going to affect me. However, I'm worried the most about Asa. How is he going to react to me with no hair. I probably shouldn't worry about it, but it is worry some to me.

I'm short on words today, I want to get outside and enjoy my day, so I'm cutting this short. Thank you everyone for your prayers, emails, support and love :)

Shake N BAKE!!!!!!!

Some "family members" got together and sent me this GORGEOUS hammock. It was a huge surprise. They wanted me to have a peaceful place to lay this summer while in treatment. I'm so amazed at the love and thought. Thank you girls!

Asa and I in my new haircut. I cut it shorter, so it will be less of a mess when it starts falling out.

Last weekend sometime. We call this a Mexi-ghetto slip and slide. The kids loved it. My dad filled it with warm water and they would slip and fall and giggle and giggle. Valentina was much more daring than Asa. She is fearless. She fills out a swimsuit so CUTE!

They started with a bucket of water, and then Asa slowly started spilling the water for the slip and slide.

Joshua and I, pre haircut.

Unreal!

I wish I could personally thank EVERYONE who has donated, prayed and spent time working on the raffle. It was a HUGE success and I'm shocked. It is a miracle. Thank you to all my friends. I can't believe the support that I haven't gotten from "friends" that I have never met or talked to. It's a miracle and I'm so happy. Life is really good :)

I also had another miracle happen last night. Joshua has been wanting to work days at his full time job for quite some time now and has asked on numerous occasions and there has never been a position open. Late last night, his boss called and offered him day shift. Joshua will not be a supervisor at his new position, and he won't get his boss pay but I think he will be able to work his way up like he did on night shift. HE'S GOING TO BE WITH ME IN THE EVENINGS AND THROUGH THE NIGHT! YEA! I can't believe that either. He works days at his part time job so the sleep transition won't be an issue anymore either! YEA! What a great night last night! I am so blessed! And I even have CANCER!

I only cried a couple of times yesterday. Pretty good for me. I cried after my surgeon called me and told me I had a new breast cancer. That was the result of the biopsy from Friday. I pretty much thought that, but it's harder to hear it's true. My surgeon also assured me that it was so important to have the D & C and he knows it was so horrible for me, but it's already been a benefit to me. We still don't know the full pathology report, so we don't what type of cancer it is, or how it will be treated. I'm OK though. Chemo is going to be hard, but this waiting business is harder. I just want to start getting rid of this cancer.

I love you guys and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, thank you thank you. I appreciate each and every one of you so much. I have so much help and support to get me through this, that it's been pretty hard to feel sorry for myself the last couple of days. So THANK YOU!

Yesterday, on the way home from Sissy's BBQ. Asa was scared and stiff as a board on the motorcycle.

my soccer pro. How adorable are his knee socks? VERY ADORABLE!

The LOVE OF MY LIFE and my greatest cheerleader and support. I love him so much. I'm a lucky wife :) And he's a lucky husband :)

Papa came over and joined in on the soccer fun. I just sat at the sidelines and gave Asa hi-5's as he would run by after a goal.

Asa's soccer action figures.

Asa eating a healthy breakfast of corn dog and Popsicle. Not in that order. And shirtless.

Josh wanted to make sure that I posted this picture of me. It was the morning after my port "install" and he told me I looked beautiful sitting there. I'm bringing sexy back for sure. I love my son in the back round eating his healthy breakfast. I have cancer....and I'm not going to complain on what Joshua fixes us for our breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Sig sent me a book (many actually) and I have laughed and cried while reading them. One of the things that I have clung to is to play the cancer card as often as I can. I did it yesterday while shopping for a supportive sports bra to wear at night. I didn't' have one and it helped me tremendously last night with my pain. ANYWAY, I was in the ladies dressing room and I asked if Joshua could come in and help me put it on, that I was having difficulties putting it on. (I really was, my left arm pit still hurts from the biopsy and my port hurts when I rub any clothing along it). The lady said no men allowed. I said "I have cancer, have just had surgery and I'm having a hard time. I need my husband's help". She let him in :) SO, it's not so bad having cancer.

Asa at his end of spring season soccer. He is so grown up.

Better Moment

I'm better this evening. Joshua and I spent the day running errands, getting groceries etc. Joshua picked up Asa in the early afternoon and Mom and Papa picked me up for my biopsy. I was scared, but it was OK. The mammogram after was actually worse. The "tumor" could be seen on the mammogram, but couldn't be seen last year. So very important ladies to get a mammogram yearly. I'm better emotionally tonight. I've spent a few hours with Asa and we named one of his soccer action figures "chemotherapy guy" because he's bald. Asa told me that chemotherapy guy's hair will grow in after treatment is over. LOL He's only 4, but oh so in tune what is going on around us. Emotions are running rampant over here at our house.

I'm very tired. I hope to have the pathology report tomorrow, no later than Friday. I'm praying that it is OK. If not, then that's OK too. See? I'm doing better! Being bi-polar is a breeze compared to this roller coaster of emotions.

I love my family and my husband and my son so much. I have a lot to live for.

Poor ME!

Yesterday sucked and today sucks too, although today I'm not crying. Joshua took me to lunch to have a cancer free day. We lasted about 15 minutes and started talking about it. I feel so ugly with my port. I'm not vain, but I just feel ugly and knowing I'm going to lose my hair just makes me sick to my stomach. I can imagine Asa's face when he sees me with my shaved head. I'm going to let him help me shave it, maybe it won't be so traumatizing, but I will still be. Josh has been good to me. He tells me my port looks sexy, like tattoos.....he tells me I look more beautiful that I did before I was his little cancer patient. He is devastated and wants to be with me so badly. He says that work just makes him want to scream, people with their idle chit chat and drama, that is NOT drama. He is strong for me. Asa has been breaking down every so often. Last night while I was laying in bed with him, he said that he was scared of me starting chemotherapy. I told him I was too. I told him it wouldn't last for long and he seemed happy with that answer. I just cry and cry...it won't stop.

Today I have my breast biopsy. I dread it, not because I think it's cancer, but it could mean a surgery, lumpectomy, more tests. I just want to get this treatment started. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! but I have too.

Joshua and I enjoyed watching the Lost finale. For 2 hours we forgot about cancer. I guess we need to do that more often. I haven't' been watching a lot of TV, since I got to bed at 8pm and just want to lay and not move myself to the living room to watch TV. I'm having a hard time just living right now. Cancer is on all of our minds. IT SUCKS SO BAD!

I miss my Grandma so much. She was a source of strength for me and I don't have her anymore. I'm needing her and just pray that she is listening to me.

I'm having good moments and bad moments. I think the good moments are more than the bad, but it's a toss up. My lung hurts and my brain hurts from thinking thinking thinking. I know it will get better....I hope.

I'm glad that my family has faith and keep praying for me. It's hard for me to believe right now, but I do have an open heart and am grateful that my family is praying for me...and all of you too.

I wish I had a funny story to tell....but not today.

Another Day

I had my Medi-port put in yesterday. I have been pretty upset in my stomach since yesterday and it's hard to keep food down. I haven't taken pain pills since 7:30 am and am feeling OK.

My doctor's office called today and the breast MRI from Friday showed a "spot" that needs to be biopsied on Wednesday. I am unable to start treatment tomorrow. I am relieved, but I just want to get started. I'm feeling in my heart that the spot is cancer. It's not worry some to me. It would kind of be nice to know where the live cancer came from and that would probably be the answer. If I have a tumor in my breast, I want a double mastectomy STAT! It grosses me out thinking that they could be growing cancer inside. I'm disgusted that I have cancer growing inside me period. It sucks.

I have just laying around today and kind of feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm entitled to. I'm doing better about the baby though. Now I'm thinking about me. I feel guilty about not spending enough time with Asa the last couple of weeks and I feel guilty about the baby and I feel guilty about my Mom and Sissy and Papa doing so much work for me. I just want to be able to be myself again. I sound like a broken record.

Asa told me something funny and sweet the other day. He just looked me in the eyes and said "Mum, I'm sorry that your baby isn't going to hatch from your vagina". I just looked at him serious back and said "me too". It was a sweet moment but I was laughing inside.

I'm tired and feeling a bit sick, so I'm keeping this short. Oh, Sissy and Valentina came over for most of the morning, and Mom and Papa spent the day here. Papa worked in my back yard and made it look immaculate and Mom worked inside and made the inside of my house look immaculate. She cooked and played with Asa and I'm sure she is exhausted tonight. I couldn't' be alone today after the surgery and Josh had to work, so I'm so glad for my familia :) It was nice to see Sissy and Valentina.

I got a special card and sweet gift from Heather D. today. Thank you. It made my day and made me smile. I have such great friends that I haven't ever met! I'm blessed.

Continue to pray and keep good thoughts. I have good moments and bad moments many times a day, but have comfort in the fact that I have such support and love.

GREAT DAY!

My bone scans are CLEAN! NO CANCER IN MY BONES! What a relief. I feel so lucky to JUST have liver cancer! LOL For reals! Today is a great day. Thank you for your prayers. I have been thanking God over and over and over this afternoon into my evening. It won't stop :)

I had my breast MRI today and I'm positive that it will be good too. I can do this liver thing. I am positive and happy today. I went and bought 2 new outfits today. Clothes that I hadn't been pregnant in. It had helped, even before I knew the scans were clean. I know that sounds silly, but putting on new clothes gave me some energy and confidence that I needed. Josh hadn't seen me since this morning he had been sleeping and when he woke up he told me I looked so beautiful and my smile was genuine. He hadn't seen me so happy in 2 weeks. We had a long talk this morning after he got home from work. It was a true heart to heart and we both feel better. Josh said that the day we lost the baby, he had to believe in God and know that our baby was in heaven. It was a relief to me. He isn't spiritual, but this has changed his way of thinking. I just love my husband so much.

We had soccer practice tonight and it was Asa's end of season soccer party. I love him so much and I look at him and just want to cry. He saw my hospital band on my wrist and said "take it off mom, with scissors NOW!" He has told me that the last 3 times he has seen them on my wrist. He asked me last night why we weren't having the baby. I explained to him that I was too sick to have the baby, but the doctor took the baby and sent it to heaven. He was happy with that explanation, and I guess I was too. Our baby is in heaven.

I feel so hopeful you guys! I'm still scared, but am counting my blessings. Sunday is my surgery, but I'm excited to get that over with and start chemo. I want my 6 months to fly by. After 6 months of hell, I want to take the children to Disneyland!!!!! I have to have something dream for. Last time I got done with chemo, we went to Disneyland and how fitting to take the children after I get done with this round.

I'm a survivor and a warrior. (I'm chuckling at the warrior part....I hope I'm not like Coach on Survivor :)

Today is a good day and I'm hoping for an even better one tomorrow.

Keep praying and thinking good thoughts! It's working!

Hurting, Crying and So Sad

I'm experiencing the worst time of my life. I can't shake the thought of cancer. It's with me constantly. I try really hard, but it's so heavy. I know I will fight it, but.....it's overwhelming.

I miss my baby so much. It's almost too much to bear. I can't stop thinking about that too. I have been talking with a grief counselor off and on today. I cry, then I'm OK, and I can't stop crying again. I'm exhausted.

I don't have the results from the bone scan. Probably not until tomorrow. I am having an MRI on my breasts sometime next week. After the biopsy, the cancer is no ER/PR receptive, as it was last time, so my chemo will be different. With that biopsy, it could mean that I have breast cancer in my breast somewhere now. My mind is just racing and I feel like I'm spinning so fast. I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up and not have this happening. I feel guilty for feeling like this. I am blessed to have a wonderful family, and other's have it much worse than me, but I'm devastated and so sad. I have never been this sad in my life. I'm so scared. I don't want to have to do chemo again. I said I never would after the last time. I have to for Asa. I have to, but I don't want to. I just want this to be a dream.

When I'm with my family, we try to keep it light, but it's on our mind. I miss my sister and our mindless chatter. I miss my life from 2 weeks ago. I miss my baby most of all. I miss worrying about it, wondering if I'm sleeping enough, drinking enough water, taking my pre-natals, wearing my pants too tight? Am I squishing the baby? It's gone now. My baby is GONE!

Sunday I am having my surgery to have my medi-port put in my chest. I didn't have one last time and I wished that I had. Chemo will be once a week for 6 months, so that will save a bit on my arm veins.

Candy, I'm wearing my kick ass shirt you sent me :) I feel powerful with it on.

Sig, thank you for your box of inspirational goodies. I cried going through the books, knowing that I will be needing them, wishing that I didn't.

My heart physically hurts. I have faith, love GOD, but am having a hard time coping with this all. Our lives have just been completely turned upside down and I'm so MAD ABOUT IT! I want things the way they were. I keep squeezing my eyes together hoping that this is a dream. I miss my old life. I didn't take it for granted, I thanked God for every minute of our health and our happiness and I can't believe this.

I just want it to be behind me already.

Soccer

Tomorrow I am going to the hospital at 11am for my D & C. My heart will be broken for sure. I do feel peace and am hopeful though. I am really feeling all the postive energy and prayers that are being said for me. I am thankful for all of you :)

Here are some pictures from our Soccer Saturday. Our little superstar and our cheerleader!

"Does this make my butt look big?"

Asa was soccer "captain" Saturday and has his little leg badge to prove it.

Asa was talking to me and Joshua was snapping pictures. He's so sweet

How adorable is she?

Just look at his moves. The 2 kids from the red Dragons are shakin' in their boots.

The best Mother's Day gift ever. I wish you all could smell it :) The cake was delicous and I am so blessed.