Oh boy....

Tomorrow I start my chemotherapy. I'm anxious, scared, nervous and relieved all at the same time. I will finally know how my body will react to the "poison". It is a horrible unknown. Actually, I remember it vividly how it was 16 years ago, but have hope that it will be better this time around.

I had my lumpectomy on Monday. It went good. It was a rough recovery, nearly 3 hours in post-op, but Joshua was there to make me laugh. The nurse asked him "are you always this patient?" Josh answered "no, but for her I am". The pre-op nurse was the same one that I had for my D & C and she remembered me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She was so sympathetic towards me and was a real blessing to me both days. As I was waking up from the surgery, I vaguely heard the OR nurse telling me how I had a beautiful purple tube top on with purple flowers and how I looked hot. I am confined to wearing a tube top for the next 2 weeks. A sports bra would go right over the incision so I get to look "hot" in my purple tube top. I am recovering nicely. Friday I had my post op appointment with a nurse and she was amazed at how well my incision looked. No swelling and no bruising. It is a miracle.

We have been couch potato's all weekend and have watched more soccer than should ever be allowed. Asa and I have had very heated debates on our teams and he has become a trash talker. He apparently learned this from Sissy. Today I did get off the couch and Sissy picked me up and we went and had a pedicure. I can't remember the last time I had a pedicure. It was kick ass. Then we went next door to Baskin Robbins and had ice cream. I'm not an ice cream lover, but I enjoyed my Rocky Road very much.

I haven't cried in 24 hours. I feel like today is the end of something. Tomorrow I start my chemo and my life will be changed forever. I am very mellow and feel like I am a boxer, having the fight of my life tomorrow. I have to be focused and prepared. I'm sick to my stomach and very afraid. I know that God will not forsake me and has not forsaken me, but this battle seems very much on my shoulders and my shoulders only. Tomorrow will be a struggle for me, but I am ready for it.

I am taking all of the greeting cards that have been sent to me, and bringing them with me to treatment tomorrow. They all make me smile and I will need that tomorrow.

I can't help but think of my unborn child tomorrow. If it wasn't for this chemotherapy, I would still be pregnant. I miss my baby so much and still have moments where I think I'm still pregnant. I think of it many times a day and tomorrow it will be a constant. I pray that someday a miracle will happen where both Sissy and I can be pregnant someday. And I hope.

Another miracle...I sent out another 10 thank you cards today :) Thank you all for your prayers and support. I love you all.