Yesterday sucked and today sucks too, although today I'm not crying. Joshua took me to lunch to have a cancer free day. We lasted about 15 minutes and started talking about it. I feel so ugly with my port. I'm not vain, but I just feel ugly and knowing I'm going to lose my hair just makes me sick to my stomach. I can imagine Asa's face when he sees me with my shaved head. I'm going to let him help me shave it, maybe it won't be so traumatizing, but I will still be. Josh has been good to me. He tells me my port looks sexy, like tattoos.....he tells me I look more beautiful that I did before I was his little cancer patient. He is devastated and wants to be with me so badly. He says that work just makes him want to scream, people with their idle chit chat and drama, that is NOT drama. He is strong for me. Asa has been breaking down every so often. Last night while I was laying in bed with him, he said that he was scared of me starting chemotherapy. I told him I was too. I told him it wouldn't last for long and he seemed happy with that answer. I just cry and cry...it won't stop.
Today I have my breast biopsy. I dread it, not because I think it's cancer, but it could mean a surgery, lumpectomy, more tests. I just want to get this treatment started. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! but I have too.
Joshua and I enjoyed watching the Lost finale. For 2 hours we forgot about cancer. I guess we need to do that more often. I haven't' been watching a lot of TV, since I got to bed at 8pm and just want to lay and not move myself to the living room to watch TV. I'm having a hard time just living right now. Cancer is on all of our minds. IT SUCKS SO BAD!
I miss my Grandma so much. She was a source of strength for me and I don't have her anymore. I'm needing her and just pray that she is listening to me.
I'm having good moments and bad moments. I think the good moments are more than the bad, but it's a toss up. My lung hurts and my brain hurts from thinking thinking thinking. I know it will get better....I hope.
I'm glad that my family has faith and keep praying for me. It's hard for me to believe right now, but I do have an open heart and am grateful that my family is praying for me...and all of you too.
I wish I had a funny story to tell....but not today.
9 comments:
Thinking of you...hoping tomorrow will be a bit better than today.
Patti B.
Oh, Trina! I am so sorry that you had a bad day. I am praying for the best results today - I'm not sure what the best results are - but I am just praying that the doctors find what they need to in order for them to know exactly what the best treatment is for you. I am so glad that you have such a good man to tell you how special you are :)
Just letting you know that I am thinking about you......and about not having a funny comment to share......the "hatching baby"..that one will last for a while.......I can't even count how many times I have shared that story.....That is just about one of the funniest things I have heard in a very long time. Love you!!!
just know I love you, Trina.
Just hoping today gets better for you!!! Hugs!
trina
you have every right to have days where you feel sorry for yourself.
We feel sorry for you too!
what a supportive, loving, sensitive husband you have.
hes there for you even though he, most likely, is battleing his own fears about this whole intrusive, invasive, and unwelcomed crisis in your lives.
I woulden't want to have to face what you are being forced to face.
I can't begin to understand all that you are experiencing in this.
the fears, the emotinal battle, the Cancer itself, all the tests, the concern over how this may be affecting your son..
you may not believe this about yourself Trina, But in my eyes, you are a very strong women. with determination to climb over those mountains that have been placed in your life.
with the HELP of God, your family and your friends and all the prayers being sent up to heaven on your behalf, with the right doctors God sent into your life, you WILL beat this Nasty thing.
and by the way,
you could have things sticking out all over your body, and you'd still be beautiful.
love "Aunt"Kathy
You are so allowed to have a pity party. Don't look at the port as ugly. Make it your best friend. Name it. Draw faces around it.You wear a shirt that will cover it, so it really isn't that bad. The hair thing? I won't lie, it sucks. But, Gmom will make you some kick ass headwear and get a cool bandana for every outfit. Also, invest in great make up and really cool big earrings! I loved accesorizing, it made me feel better.
Sigh. Wish you didn't have to go through this. It really sucks.
But it will get better, I promise. I found the first few weeks the worst. Once I started chemo, I got into a routine and I knew I was *doing* something other than sitting around while the cancer invaded me.
can't wait to hear that you are NED.
It will happen.
This is my second visit to your blog today - I didn't leave a comment the first time because I just don't know what to say. Please know that people are thinking of you and praying for you...
Sending some CO love your way!!
XOXO
Post a Comment