Tired, yet again.

I had a much better day yesterday than one week ago. Medication changes have helped me sleep and relieve the pain.

Cancer has metastasized into my vertebrae which was a shock to me. Dr. called us Friday evening to let us know the results of the MRI done early in the afternoon. We saw him Monday and we are staying on course with the same chemo and I'm feeling hopeful. Scared, but hopeful. I'm calling the office today to see when my brain scan and additional bone scan will be done this week.

I'm exhausted. I had a great day yesterday, but didn't rest enough. I have slept 4 hours and I'm drained. I'm already tired of having cancer and to know that it's moving around is sickening to me.

I had a great friend some over and she was so sweet to bring our family food for dinner. We visited (maybe too long Carol...I was tired when you left, but you always make me laugh) I didn't want you to go. I love my visitors so come on over! I can't wait to see you again. I love my gift and haven't' taken it off. It's on like glue and I think of you when I see it.

Nichole Rae.....you commented on my blog but I have no idea how to get a hold of you. I cried and cried when I read it. I think of you everyday....EVERYDAY and need to talk to you so badly. I miss you and love you. You can email me at trina dot gonzalez at hotmail dot com. I have so much to say to you and just want you to know that you mean so much to me. I have missed you for a very long time. What is your email?

My head is aching and I'm so sleepy, but I can't sleep. I just got up and read every pathology report of mine since the beginning of this hell. I realized last night I am going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I will never know if it's completely gone, or when it will be back. I don't feel much like a fighter right at the moment. I'm living with cancer...that's what Mom says breast cancer is stated now a days. I don't want to live with cancer. I want to live without it.

Sig is having a node removed today so keep her in your prayers. She has been a big help to us and our family during this trip to hell. She's been on the road there too.

I got a wig. It's OK for a wig. I feel like a movie star in it with my Kate Spade sunglasses. I will look incognito going in for treatments. Like a movie star. (I'm losing it peeps, having delusions) My boys LOVE it and are not so scared for me to lose my hair, since they like the wig better than my NEW haircut. Stinkers. Asa keeps reminding me not to forget to cut my hair so it doesn't make a mess when it starts falling out. He hears EVERYTHING! Except when he's watching soccer and he can't hear me when I'm talking to him in his face. He answers back to me "words words words....stop talking....I can't hear my TV show!". I'm not sure if he's turning 5 in September of 15.

He has loved me being home, even if I am sick and in bed. He likes it when we are together. He hasn't liked all the appointments and tests that take me away from home. He has been great and very patient with me. He mainly talks to me about cancer when we are getting ready for bed. Then he brings up questions he must have after listening to our family talk. We always invite into the conversation so he knows that he can talk about it with us. When he has a questions that makes him feel uneasy, he asks if he can whisper in my ear. If the answer takes too long or it bores him he replies "poopy diaper pants" and leaves me immediately. He either got the idea, or he'll ask again later.

Mandy...thank you thank you. You are such a dear friend. I love them both, especially my journal. It is my medication, chemo and side effect record book. I needed one. and it's gorgeous. I'm mail you something soon. Love you :)

I'm feeling queasy today and very unstable mental wise. Lack of sleep. Head ache, but no back pain. One side effect of one of the chemo's is feet and hand numbness. It comes and goes. It literally feels like feet have been sitting in an ice water bath for hours. Soft sock help (thanks Sig) but then the sweats kick in soon after. I'm a complainer today...I'm giving me a day of feeling sorry for myself. I deserve it. Tomorrow is another day.

I have genetic testing today, to test for the "mutated" gene that causes cancer. We'll see what comes of that. Kind of late now...I've had cancer twice in my life before age 40. I'm saying it's positive.

Grama is having the children today and if I feel well enough after genetic testing, Sissy will meet mom and I for lunch. Thank you Grama for helping with the kids. I love you.

Many of you have asked what you can do or send to me. I have a REQUEST! My bible is getting more and more full of scriptures, but I have NO BOOKMARKS! I mentioned it to mom and she said that there are a lot of you that would probably like to do that for me. No pressure, just something small that I need and I would love some from my cyber family. It would also remind me of your constant thoughts and prayers for me. I keep all cards that I have gotten from so many of you with me at my bed side table. I just shake my head and smile when I look at the piles. I am blessed....but still feeling sorry for myself today :) I also love travel/tourist magazines (free ones in touristy towns) I could look at those for hours as they are an easy read and I dream of traveling all over the US SOMEDAY. DREAM. Those books help me along in my dream. So many of you don't live near me and I think it would be cool to see where some of you like to vacation and travel too. Thank you all.

Disneyland seems so far away. I have 17 more treatments to go. Less God willing. I need to magazine travel until that time :) I barely have energy to to to treatment and the store for 45 minutes...and not on the same day. Too MUCH.

I have some more pictures to post...just not much energy (have I mentioned I don't have much energy?) I have some chemo induced photos of my hot self. I'm sure you won't want to miss those.

I love you guys and love your prayers and tomorrow is another day. If some of you comment, let me know of a miracle you have had today. I am so blessed and do feel my miracles, but this whole vertebrae stuff has me in the dumps. I need some stories peeps. Positive ones.

I'm tired. I'm going to try to get another hour of sleep. This has helped my fear somewhat, so thank you for that.

Good luck Sig.....Cheers to the strong, the bald and the port-full. Eat up that cheeseburger girl.